Why Shame Keeps You Stuck—and Grace Sets You Free

by Jennifer Slattery on May 14, 2026May 14, 2026

(Note: This content first appeared on the Crosswalk Devotional podcast. Used by permission.)

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Do you ever replay your worst moments at night—every harsh word, angry reactions, or the damage your fears and insecurities caused? Maybe you see yourself repeating the same unhealthy patterns repeating and wonder if you’ll ever truly change.

If so, you’re not alone.

Recently, I sat with a woman devastated by a relational conflict. With tears in her eyes, she admitted how quickly fear and insecurity can distort her thinking. In the moment, she assumes the worst about people’s motives. This causes her to withdraw emotionally, question their care for her, and respond to others with in defensive ways. Later, shame takes hold when she sees the damage her behavior created.

“I recognize my dysfunction. I just don’t know how to break it.”

Maybe you’ve felt that way too.

Growth and healing rarely happen overnight. Although God can transform us instantly, He often works gradually. He reveals wounds long buried and unhelpful coping strategies, while teaching us how to rely more fully on Him. That self-awareness can elicit profound grief as we begin to see the impact of our actions more clearly.

But God doesn’t shine His light into our souls to trap us in shame. Instead, His intent is always to lead us into deeper grace.

My favorite example of this comes from the book of Nehemiah. After seventy years in exile caused by Israel’s rebellion against God, the people returned to Jerusalem to rebuild what their enemies had previously destroyed–largely because of ancient Israel’s persistent rebellion against God. When Ezra, an Old Testament priest, read the Jewish Scriptures aloud, the people wept. Although they probably recognized the sacred beauty of this moment, they also recognized the depth of their sin and all it had cost them and their loved ones.

Yet, notice how their leaders responded:

“Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength” (Neh. 8:10, NIV).

The people had already suffered the consequences for their actions. Now, it was time for them to begin again. To shuck of their shame and allow the Lord to strengthen them by His grace.

Christ says the same to us. He paid for each one of our sins, past, present and future. He bore the consequences and now invites us to live in the joy of His grace.

Biblical joy runs much deeper than circumstantial happiness.

It’s the deep and enduring confidence that God remains present, merciful, and faithful in all situations, our most regrettable included.

It’s trusting that He won’t withdraw His love or abandon us in our failures or withdraw His love in frustration.

Instead, He meets us in them and gives us the power to rise again.

The Israelites still needed to clear away the rubble rebuild Jerusalem’s walls. Grace didn’t bring about instant restoration. But God wanted them to live as His forgiven, beloved children.

This is true for us as well, because as Romans 8:1 states, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (NIV).

As I shared this biblical account with my friend, and listened to her concerns, I sensed a deeper issue at play. She’d come to see her inner critic, her “shame-driver” as helpful, believing it kept her accountable.

She assumed self-condemnation protected her from repeating her mistakes. In reality, shame leaves us exhausted, defeated, and stuck.

God’s grace, however, gives us courage to face our broken places honestly, trusting Christ’s love to bring about lasting transformation and increased intimacy with Him.

Through Jesus, we never have to hide from God. Our sin doesn’t repel Him. He draws near with mercy, healing, and truth. The cross proves this.

As we continue bringing our struggles into His presence, receiving His forgiveness, and renewing our minds with His truth, self-loathing begins losing its grip.

Joy grows stronger, as do we.

If shame is holding you captive, bring it to Christ in prayer. Ask Him to help you receive the forgiveness He’s already provided through Christ. And perhaps, repeat this each time self-condemnation invades your soul.

If this post resonated with you, make sure to catch the Faith Over Fear podcast episode titled, “Break Free from Shame: Carol McCracken’s Story of Freedom and Restoration” to hear my cohost’s painful-to-beautiful testimony.

Why We Lose Ourselves in Relationships—and How to Find Our Way Back – Faith Over Fear

In this opening episode of our new Faith Over Fear series, Relational Peace: Loving Others Without Losing Yourself, Carol sits down with Bible teacher and author Becky Harling for an honest conversation about the subtle ways we lose ourselves inside relationships. Together, they explore how fear, people-pleasing, overfunctioning, and the pressure to keep everyone happy can quietly erode our peace, identity, and emotional health. Becky shares practical wisdom on boundaries, friendship, emotional dependency, and how Jesus modeled deep love without losing Himself in the process. If you’ve ever felt exhausted from carrying everyone else’s emotions or guilty for needing rest, this episode offers biblical encouragement and practical next steps toward healthier, Christ-centered relationships. In This Episode, learn: Why people-pleasing is often fear in disguise The difference between healthy love and self-erasure How Jesus modeled boundaries and emotional health Signs you may be losing yourself in relationships Why Christian women and men especially struggle with overextending What healthy friendships actually look like Practical tools for saying no without guilt How to love others without carrying their emotional weight Scripture References Mark 1:35–38 Proverbs 4:23 John 2:24 Ephesians 2:10 I think I got them all? Key TakeawayHealthy relationships are not built on fear, guilt, or emotional exhaustion. They’re built on truth, grace, wisdom, honesty, and an identity firmly rooted in Christ. Find Becky Harling: On her website On Facebook On Instagram On Amazon Find Carol McCracken: On her website On Facebook On Instagram Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

Overcoming Shame Through Grace: Guest post by Shadia Hrichi

by Jennifer Slattery on June 5, 2025June 4, 2025

As a child, had you ever done something wrong and were unable to look your parents in the eye?

A few years ago, I was visiting my brother and his family.

We were all enjoying the afternoon sunshine on his back deck as the children played in the backyard. At one point, I overheard my brother tell my 5-year-old niece not to swing from the branches of a very small tree.

Minutes later, crash!

We all heard a loud crack as she and the branch came tumbling down.

I watched as my niece timidly walked to her dad, hanging her head as she pointed to the broken branch.

My brother bent down, spoke something to her, and then they hugged. In no time, she was again laughing and playing. I was just given an opportunity to witness a father’s love and forgiveness as in the Bible.

”As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him…” Psalm 103:13

Overcoming Shame Through Faith In Jesus Christ

Understanding God’s Compassion For Sinners. As God’s child, I can easily picture hanging my head low when I know I’ve broken one of God’s commands. But that day, I saw the situation from a different angle.

My niece disobeyed, was powerless to remedy her situation, and was too ashamed to look her father in the eye. But my brother reached down to meet her where she was. Stretching out his hand, he lifted her eyes to meet his so she could see his desire to forgive and restore their relationship.

Dealing With Shame And Forgiveness In Christianity

It is the same for each one of us. Covered in sin and shame, you and I are powerless to reach a holy God. Our heavenly Father must reach down to us. So God sent His Son Jesus Christ, who stretched out his hands on the cross, beckoning us to lift our eyes and remember that God passionately desires to forgive and restore us.

“…at just the right time, when we were still powerless… God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us…” Romans 5:6,8

Heavenly Father, when we sin, lift our eyes to the cross so that we can remember Your forgiveness and embrace the power to live as Your beloved children. Amen.

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. ” 1 John 1:9

Get to Know Shadia Hrichi:

Shadia Hrichi is a passionate Bible teacher, award-winning author, and speaker who stirs the hearts and minds of her audience through personal story, illustration, and her unwavering confidence in the authority of God’s Word.

She holds a master’s in biblical and theological studies as well as a master’s in criminal justice. Shadia is the author of several Bible studies, including RAHAB, TAMAR, HAGAR, LEGION, and WORTHY OF LOVE and the recipient of the 2022 WCCW “God’s Word is Alive” Award. Residing in northern California, Shadia is often invited to speak at churches, conferences, women’s retreats and other events, and loves to visit the ocean each week for “a date with Jesus.”

Check Out Shadia Hrichi’s Bible Study, Hagar:

Join gifted Bible teacher Shadia Hrichi and journey into the story of Hagar. Through this in-depth Bible study, you will find that when you surrender your life into God’s hands, your trials and triumphs serve a magnificent purpose: to draw you into the arms of your heavenly Father, the faithful God Who Sees Me.

Why We Lose Ourselves in Relationships—and How to Find Our Way Back – Faith Over Fear

The Power of Living, Daily, in Grace

by Jennifer Slattery on November 8, 2018November 1, 2021

Sometimes I want to tack sticky notes to my forehead declaring: I acted like a jerk today. Or, I chose fear instead of faith, or selfishness when God called me to give. Not because I enjoy self-degradation but because I encounter too many Christians who continue to live in guilt and shame. They praise God for His abundant grace but then live as if it’s been withheld. Worse, as if grace is somehow no longer needed, moral perfection was obtainable, and their failure to consistently live as Christ desires proves how worthless or insufficient they are.

If only they prayed more, or memorized more Scripture, or attended more Bible studies, then they’d live more like all their smiling, hymn-singing friends flooding their social media feeds. But all their striving leads to temporary behavior modification at best, leaving them feeling worse than before.

I think this hiding and self-condemnation, exists, in part, because we’ve given hurting, reactionary, flawed, and broken people power over us and our emotions. We’ve made their perceptions our standard instead of our relationship with Christ. As a result, we’ve traded the life-affirming growth of Christ for perfectionism.

Perfectionism paralyzes every time. It eventually drags us backward as we substitute time with our Savior, simply resting in His presence—no hiding, conniving, or striving— with checking off lists and following rules. As we do, our self-reliance grows, weakening our dependence on Jesus.

Our source of power, hope, and life.

And we wonder why we feel so defeated, exhausted, and consumed with guilt. For being unable, in our own strength, to demonstrate the power of grace.

A while back, while going through a particularly challenging time, a ministry team member confronted me regarding a series of behaviors. Some were inherent to my “dream-big-and-run-fast” personality, others from inexperience, and tangled between the two, lay my pride. In the past, that pride almost always initiated defensiveness and hiding, turning what should’ve been a growth opportunity into regret and yet another reason for shame.

Yet another reason for self-condemnation.

Only this time, that didn’t happen. Armed with a more robust understanding of grace, when I sensed a reaction rising, I mentally hit pause and reminded myself of what I knew to be true: That Jesus loved me, had died for me, forgiven me, and was growing me.

More than that, I reminded myself of grace and the simple fact that I needed it as much that day (and every day) as when I first trusted in Christ for salvation. My weaknesses were simply proof of what He and I already knew—that apart from Him I was (and am!) a hopeless mess!

Therefore, with the joy of my liberating Father welling within me, I was able to smile and say, “You’re right. I really stink at that, and here’s how God’s growing me in this area.”

That simple statement, “Your right,” defused her anger, my fear, and placed me exactly where I needed to be—in a position of dependency on Jesus.

That’s where strength, freedom, and life-change are found.

“This is eternal life,” Jesus said, speaking of heaven but also of the here and now, that we would know, through an ever-deepening relationship with our Creator, God the Father and Jesus Christ, whom God sent. (John 17:3). To experience the abundant, thriving life Christ promised, we need to recognize how completely dead, apart from Him, we are.

And then determine to do something about it, not by working or trying harder but instead by connecting deeper.

Let’s talk about this! Are you living in grace? A great indication of this is how you respond to constructive feedback, failure, and personal weaknesses. If you find yourself getting defensive, that probably indicates you’re not consistently living in grace. Share your action steps, celebrations, examples, and prayer requests with us in the comments below, because we can all learn from one another.

Additional Resources:

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Love For a Felon

by Jennifer Slattery on April 9, 2012November 1, 2021

When I was a kid, while walking to and from school, I’d see signs showing which homes were “safe houses.” Should trouble ever arise, I knew where I could go. The welcome mat on these doorsteps meant exactly what it said.

Although safe houses still exist, it seems many have been replaced by no trespassing signs as we isolate ourselves further and further from one another. But as followers of Christ, I believe our homes should extend a loud and hearty welcome. You never know when God will use you to be a beacon of love and hope to one of His broken children.

Today’s post comes from Kenneth W. Bangs, a man who extended a welcome instead of a barrier, and in doing so, spoke love and acceptance into two people’s lives.

***

Herschel lived down the road. First time I saw him he was sitting on his porch. I realized we had a new neighbor so I stopped to say hey. He stood as I walked up…tall and thin with a demeanor that told me he had done time. I shook his hand, chatted a minute…could tell he was really uncomfortable so I drove on.

Some months later I was on a tractor and saw him pull up. He shuffled over, head down and said, “Boss would it be ok if I brought my grandson over to fish in your ponds?” I told him sure and he said, “You know I done some time.”

“I know,” I said.

“It was over dope and it was hard time because I acted the fool in the joint.” He looked up at me and said, “You’re police aren’t you?”

“Used to be.”

He nodded and started talking…told me his whole life story. I’d heard it so many times before…so hard, so violent. I prayed with him and told him to enjoy the fishing. He brought his grandson by several times and then stopped. I got a call from a local pastor. He told me Herschel had cancer, no insurance and asked if we could help. Of course we did. I talked with him from time to time, watched as the disease consumed him. Then he was gone. I saw that little grandson as I drove past the other day sitting on the porch steps with his face in his hands. He loved his grandfather and his grandfather loved him…love – so important to give and receive…it lives on long after we’re gone…

***

Stop for a moment and consider the chain events that occurred because Kenneth extended a hearty welcome and created a bridge instead of a barrier. For a moment, consider the impact Kenneth’s choice had on the grandson. Consider the memories, the precious moments, Kenneth’s pond allowed the boy and his grandfather to share.

Now, consider the impact this had on the shame-filled man–the message of love, grace, and forgiveness Kenneth’s actions revealed.

Powerful messages.

But the blessing wasn’t done. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that God brought this man to Kenneth’s pond prior to the man’s bout with cancer. God’s timing is perfect. By acting in love and obedience, Kenneth built a bridge that allowed him to speak love, hope, and truth into this man’s life when he needed it most.

Consider also the long-term impact each pond visit had on this precious child. I’ve often shared stories of the countless Christians God placed in my path when I was a child. (Read more here.) As an adult, when I looked back over each encounter, I realized it was God loving me through them. I realized, because of the love poured out through His children, that God had never left my side.

Powerful messages provided by such a simple act of love.

Who can you love on today? And how authentic is your welcome mat?

I’d love to hear from you. Have you, like the precious child in our story, experienced God’s love and grace through the actions of another? Or like Kenneth, have you extended a welcome and seen it blossom into something more–something of eternal value?

Leave a comment for a chance to win a free book, and submit your “reach out” story for a chance to win a gift basket.

April’s donors include Mary Ellis with An Amish Family Reunion, Deborah Raney with Almost Forever, Cara Putman with A Wedding Transpires on Mackinac Island, Vannetta Chapman with Falling to Pieces, Rebecca Lyles with Winds of Wyoming, and Gina Holmes with Dry as Rain. (Read more about all these great books here, and show your appreciating by clicking on their names to visit their websites.)