February 2011

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Parenting teens can be like walking a tightrope. You want to connect with them, to demonstrate you care and understand where they’re coming from without stepping away from your God-given role as guide and protector. It’s easy to swing from one extreme to the other.

The other day my daughter and I went on a long walk. It’s amazing what comes out once you take some time, one-on-one with your child. Our daughter normally doesn’t share right away. It can take a month or more for her to process events then share her heart with me. And often, the times she shares have been totally unexpected. One minute we’re painting each other’s nails, all giggles and silliness, the next, she’s in tears, sharing something that happened days, even weeks before. This always reiterates my need to spend unscheduled, just-hanging-out time with her.

I’ve noticed a pattern, and rarely does it venture.

First, we connect, whether on a walk, or over cocoa. It doesn’t matter what we’re doing, but it seems she needs a transitional period–like a safety net, maybe, or assurance that I’m there and ready to listen. And I don’t blame her. There’s nothing more painful than sharing your heart to a distracted ear.

Next, she’ll sort of test the waters by mentioning what’s concerned her in a non-challant way. Like, in the middle of conversation, she might throw something out, very casually, about how someone teased her about her hair. And if I’m not careful, I can easily miss this, and assume she’s fine. But what she’s really doing is checking to see if I understand. Do I get her? Is her heart safe with me?

Praise be to God, He has helped me understand our daughter and I’ve learned to read her subtle cues. It is at this point I try to show her I understand, and care. Normally a simple sentence is all it takes to get her talking.

“That must have been hard.”

And then the words, and often tears, flow.

That’s when it gets hard, and I’ve gotta fight my Momma-bear or “Sunday School Teacher” instincts.

Now don’t misunderstand. I’m not saying I don’t attempt to speak truth in her life. But I tread lightly, and slowly, with an eye on her and a heart set on prayer. I’ve found she normally knows what she needs to do–what God wants her to do, which is clarified as she talks. In those times, my job is to listen, and be supportive.

Other times, she’s unsure and in need of guidance. The easiest thing for me to do at this point would be to pop off a long list of do’s, with rational justifications for each one.

But…what’s she going to do in four years, when Momma isn’t there with her point-by-point game plan?

It is at this point I put my ten-year parenting cap on, meaning, I try to evaluate the situation from a long-term perspective. When I do that, I realize developing decision-making skills are as important as making wise decisions. (Actually, the two go hand in hand.)

Which is why my first response is normally:

Did you pray about it?

Normally (actually, always…so far) her response is, “Yes.”

Then I ask if I can pray with her. This does three things. It tells her I care, that her concerns and feelings are valid, and reiterates the importance of seeking God’s guidance. It has also led to some very sweet moments together, thus creating a positive association with prayer and love.

If at all possible, I normally encourage her to wait a day or two to give God time to work and reveal His will. Often, the problem will erect itself by the next day. If it does, I make a point to remind her to thank God. This teaches her to see God’s hand in her life.

If the problem remains, we discuss is it again, only now she’s had time to process it, has shared her feelings (which helps defuse them) and is better able to discuss that point-by-point game plan I bloodied my tongue to keep from spilling.

Although I don’t unleash my tongue entirely. You probably remember your teen years. You knew it all, right? And adults TOTALLY didn’t understand you! In fact, most of the time they didn’t even take the time to try.

There’s nothing teens hate more than being told what to do. Now granted, there are plenty times you’ll have to, which is why it is imperative to throw the ball back in their court whenever you can.

I do this by offering options.

“Well, you can do one of three things.” Then I explain how I see things. By this point, she’s ready to listen.

By not pulling a freak-out, I’ve encouraged her to come to me again, and by resisting the urge to be her “best friend” I’ve spoken truth into her life and helped her see the situation from an adult and spiritual perspective. And hopefully, by throwing the ball back in her court I’ve taught her how to make decisions and given her the confidence to do so.

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A few years ago, I coached a middle school track team. Most of the kids were there to flirt, or gab, or…Okay, so I have no idea why they were there, but it certainly wasn’t to improve. During endurance training, they’d jog (or should I say, walk-shuffle-jog-shuffle) when I passed, only to resume their turtle pace as soon as I was out of view. Or so they thought. I suppose they never realized the span of our peripheral vision.

The lack of drive in most of the students irritated me, or perhaps confused me would be a better term, but honestly, I didn’t give them much thought. Instead, I focused on those that clearly wanted to be there–to learn and improve.

There was one boy in particular. He puked after every turn-out. Every one. At first I was concerned. I searched the internet for nutritional information, then relayed what I learned to him and his dad. Perhaps it was a salt deficiency. Maybe he was hungry, or hadn’t fully digested his food.

One by one, every reasonable explaination was eliminated. So, I began to watch him closely, then it made sense.

The boy gave his all, 110%, each and every practice. 

I ran track and cross-country in school, and know what it feels like to cross the finish line spent, nauseas and trembling from exhaustion. In fact, most coaches would tell you if you’re not spent at the end of the race, then you didn’t give your all. 

There’s nothing worse than standing on the other end of the finish line knowing you could have done better. Only now the race is over.

The Bible often equates our life to a race. In Hebrews 12, we are told to run with perseverance and to endure rigid training, knowing every tear, every struggle, every exhausting disappointment and panic-invoking computer crash, has a purpose.

Hebrews 12:1-13

1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

God Disciplines His Children

 4 In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5 And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says,

   “My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,
   and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
6 because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
   and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”

 7 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? 8 If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. 9 Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! 10 They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. 11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

 12 Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. 13 “Make level paths for your feet,” so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.

 When I coached, I focused most on the athletes that worked hard. If they were going to give their all, I’d give them mine as well. And I pushed them hard. I ran along side them, saying, “Faster! Faster! Faster!” during our sprints. I watched them closely, pushing them to their brink, then allowing them to recover just long enough…but as soon as they caught their breath, I pushed them again.

Can we expect any less from God? Would we really want less?

Athletes know there’s no middle ground. You either go after the gold with everything you’ve got, or you get out of the race.

What race has God mapped out for you and how diligently are you training? Are you giving it your all or just trying to squeak by?

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Albert Lozano is a walking picture of grace, a living testimony to the transforming power of Christ. Those who knew him “in the day” likely wouldn’t recognize him. He quotes Scripture as easily as if he were recalling familiar events and speaks of God like one would an intimate friend. How different he is today from that dope shooting seventeen year old gang-banger running the streets in LA. As I read his testimony I was reminded of something Jesus said in Luke 7:47. Those who have been forgiven much love much. That is certainly true of Albert.

Here’s his story:

I grew up in LA california. My parents fought constantly and were usually drunk. The cops likely knew our address by heart, they came by so many times. I lost my mom at ten years old. My dad passed away three days before my 15th Birthday. From then on I was homeless for a few years. During this time, I got really involed in gangs, drugs and drinking. I started going to jail as a teenager. At age fifteen I’d had enough. My life was hopeless and my future bleak, so I tried to commit suicide. It didn’t work. By seventeen I was shooting up dope.  I meet a girl who tried to help me stop the drugs and gang-banging, but I held onto the gang life. I drank heavily, and started having children with my girlfriend.

By 1999, we decided to move to the midwest to change our lives and give our children a better future.  I married the girl, and we both gave our lives to the Lord. We had two more kids, a total of five beautiful children. We’ve been together for nineteen years now and have served the Lord for ten. I praise GOD for his grace and mercy. The love I lost in losing my parents GOD totally re-stored with my wife and children, GOD has done some big things in our lives. And if He doesn’t do more it’s okay, because He’s already done enough. I praise GOD because my children don’t see the life tht I grew up in. They grew up the last 10 yrs praising GOD with us, their parents. I am daily reminded of the verse that says, “He will turn your ashes to beauty.”

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Dope and gang life is not easy to break away from. One day I was speaking with a friend and she asked, “Why are some able to overcome their addiction while others aren’t.”

She wasn’t speaking about non-believers. If she had been, the answer would be easy. Without Christ, we are enslaved to sin. We long for freedom but are powerless to grasp it. And yet, my friend shared stories of believers–of men and women who had been rescued from the power of darkness and made to walk in newness of life, only this new life appeared to evade them. Why were these Christians still living in bondage?

My answer? They bought into the lie that they couldn’t do better and they failed to grasp the reality of grace.

When we accept Christ as our Lord and Savior, the power of the Creator of the universe lives within us. He lives within us and surrounds us. Think about that for a moment. The One that gave power to the sun and holds the universe together lives within you. He has given you everything you need to live a victorious life, and it all begins with full surrender. In admitting that you can’t do it in your own strength. It begins with faith, believing that God is who He says He is and can do what He says He will do. So what has He said? His promise is that anyone who is in Christ is a new creation. The old has gone. That sinful nature? It’s dead–crucified with Christ. The new has come, and God will complete the work He began in you.

Real transformation begins when we surrender fully–mind, heart and soul. If you surrender your mind to obedience, there’s no room for negative self-talk. Your old self says, “I can’t help it.” Your new self says, “I can do all through Christ who strengthens me.” The old self says, “If only I tried harder…” The new self says, “Lord, empty me of me and fill me with You, because I can’t do this, but You can.”

Pray this prayer daily then watch God work:

(Personalized from Romans 12:1-2) “In view of Your mercy, Lord, I offer my body, my mind, my time, my will, to You as a living sacrifice. May this be my spiritual act of worship. Do not allow me to be conformed to the ways of this world, but instead, transform me by renewing my mind. Help me to know, understand and follow Your good and pleasing will.”

You were purchased by a high price–the very blood of Christ, and were called to freedom.

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Before I get too far, I’m going to send you over to author Gail Pallotta’s blog to read a marriage devotion I wrote about my awesome husband. Upon first glance, my honey might appear rough around the edges. He’s big, strong, and focused. Ah, but he’s really a soft, fluffy teddy bear in hiding. Read Love Letters to see what I mean. But enough about him…

It is easy to live in self-protection mode. It is comfortable to surround ourselves with Christians, seated in a nice, safe, predictable church pew. But as I read the Bible, I never see God calling Christians into seclusion. Picture Joseph in an Egyptian prison. Egypt was a pagan land. How many prisoners, enslaved by darkness, watched Joseph pray day after day? And what about Paul? One of our favorite stories is of Paul singing in prison. How brightly did his light shine surrounded by inmates? And what about Daniel, or Jonah?

When our daughter was young we lived in Southern California. Life in California is unique in many ways. It is not uncommon for a child to go through life without ever touching snow. You can live on top of your neighbors and not know them. You’ll spend hours in your car, not moving (rush-hour traffic). You’ll drive forty-five minutes to find the hiking trails cut in center of the city. You’ll sit in your back yard, which will likely be covered in cement or gravel, and stare into the night sky in search of those ultra-bright stars that somehow manage to outshine the city lights.

One evening, we wanted her to see the night sky without the “dimming” city lights, so we drove to the desert. We lived on the edge of the Mojave, so it didn’t take long, but once we got there, the view was spectacular! The stars that appeared so faint at home blazed, and numerous stars that were previously out-glimmered by streetlights, dotted the sky.

This image often comes to mind when I pray for guidance. As new opportunities come my way, my first reaction is always self-protection—to remain tucked in my nice church pew, surrounded by brightly shining Christians, waiting…just waiting for that occasional non-Christian to trickle in. And yet, where does our light shine the brightest? In the dark. God’s love is extravagant, initiating, self-sacrificing. God’s love penetrated the darkness.

John 1:1-5

1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2 He was with God in the beginning.3 Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. 4 In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. 5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness cannot, does not, will not overcome it. So, carry your candle and run to the darkness.

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My daughter is halfway through her thirteenth year–six months into teenhood, and no, our house didn’t burn down, our relationship didn’t implode, and cops haven’t come knocking on our door. In fact, I’m rather enjoying this stage of parenting. The late night giggles, the laid-back window shopping, stopping to nibble on a soft pretzel as we share a soda and she opens her heart to me.

When she was young, I heard so many horror stories of how terrible the teen years can be. But I’m here to tell you they don’t have to be. In fact, the teen years can be one of the most beautiful times in parenting, when you watch first hand as your child blossoms into the young woman or man God created them to be.

And yet, I have seen strained relationships. I’ve seen it go one of two ways: either teens grow closer to their parents during this time, internalizing the values and beliefs taught years before, or they grow embittered and further apart. But here are some things I’ve noticed:

In my experience, when teens turn rebellious, the parents were the first to leave. Not physically, but emotionally. Among my daughter’s friends, this started happening in sixth grade, once children were legally allowed to stay home alone. Suddenly many of her friends were spending long afternoons by themselves waiting for their parents to get off work. They were allowed to stay up all hours of the night, watching television long after their parents went to bed. Parents no longer tucked them in with a hug and an I love you. Butterfly kisses were a thing of the past. Basically, they were treated as little adults, with increasingly less parental interaction.

At times, it was tempting for my husband and I to do the same. I’ve stayed home for fifteen, almost sixteen years now. That hasn’t exactly helped our budget, and I remember thinking about all the jobs I could get once our daughter hit twelve. Suddenly it didn’t matter if I worked until five, because she could be home alone–legally.

But was she ready emotionally? At age twelve, the pleasure centers in the human brain are heightened, yet the rational, decision-making centers of the brain are undeveloped. Which is why teens act so crazy. When they shriek and jump up and down because they got the last cookie…yep, totally normal. Shrieking and squealing comes with the territory, and I hear it stops around 25, when adult reasoning is fully developed.

But let me ask you this…with heightened pleasure centers and decreased reasoning, how long can we expect our teens to make the right choice? They are ill-equipped. We are their protectors, their prohibitors, so to speak.

Couple this with the decreased parental interaction and what do you have? A child that gets in trouble, which means, the relationship is soon dominated by rules and correction. Now, correction is not bad. In fact, it is necessary, but if the only time you are interacting with your child is when you are disciplining them, expect rebellion.

An old friend used to say, “Rules without relationship lead to rebellion.”

A few moments of one-on-one time, connecting on a heart level with your teen, is one of the most effective rebellion sappers around.

Want to connect with your teen, and show them in a tangible way how much you love them? Here are a few suggestions:

1. Go on a leisurely walk, just the two of you.

2. Send them occasional, “I love you and I’m proud of you” emails.

3. Do each other’s nails. This is one of my favorite! I like to take our daughter shopping to pick out a new nail polish, then we come home and I do her nails and toenails.

4. Go out for a soda or a hot cocoa.

5. Tuck them in. Teens are never too old to go to bed with an I love you. When our daughter was young, I determined that no matter what, she would go to bed each night with a hug and an “I love you,” would wake up each morning with a hug and an “I love you” and would leave for school the same way. Especially if tensions are high. She needs to know that our love is constant, unwavering, even if she messes up.

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I would love to spend half a day in Elaine’s head. Freeway billboards, sci-fi’s and yep, even old movies, lead to thought provoking devotions. Today she’s here to share the joys of Hollywood–Elaine style. Lights, camera…Bible study! (If you don’t catch my joke, simply nod and smile, nod and smile.)

TRUE GRIT (for His Glory)

By Elaine Cooper

Imagine the excitement in my husband’s eyes when I told him that I needed to watch the old version of “True Grit” for my book research.

“Awesome!” he so enthusiastically replied. We had recently seen the newer version at the theatre and were very impressed not only with the acting, but also with the beautiful Texas scenery highlighted in the 2010 movie. But my historian/consultant in Massachusetts recommended the older version of the movie that showed a commonly used river transport from the 19th century. Although my novel I am researching takes place in the 18th century, ferry technology had apparently remained stable for quite some time.

Since the library copy of “True Grit” was checked out, we decided to just buy one at—you guessed it—WalMart. We inserted the shiny new DVD. Steve and I displayed our most astute movie critic poses in front of the screen, practically daring the 1969 movie to out-perform the new. Well, weren’t we surprised that in many respects, the old was far superior. The Duke won the contest.

But it wasn’t just Wayne’s believable performance as crusty U.S. Marshall Rooster Cogburn that swayed Steve and I; it was the emotion portrayed by Kim Darby as Miss Mattie Ross, the 14-year-old bent on avenging her father’s death. Eyeing Rooster at his toughest, Mattie declares with teenage conviction and smugness, “He has TRUE grit.”

So what exactly is true grit? I decided to pose the question to several fairly alert adults in our Sunday morning Bible study. Sustained by coffee and spiritually refreshed from church service, the participants in my non-scientific survey did not fail me. Answers came quicker than I could write them down.

My husband of course, had to give his humorous take: “True grit means that it’s time to change the vacuum cleaner bag.” He’s so funny (insert groan)…but I DO appreciate his dedication to using our Dyson regularly, thus sparing my nurse-fatigued back.

Other participants were more serious.

Rick said, “It’s having a backbone—guts.”

“Perseverance,” said Teri. “Having resolve.”

And Joe said right-to-the-point, “It’s someone who knows what he stands for.”

Ah, yes.

Rooster Cogburn knew what he stood for. He represented the law in his territory and he was not above placing himself in danger to carry out that resolve. Ever wonder why he had to wear a patch over one eye?

Picture Marshal Cogburn. He’s not exactly swarthy. He’s out of shape and looks like he’s seen a few too many gunfights. But he stays focused on not one but four armed outlaws ready to take him on. He sits up in the saddle, pulls out his handgun with one hand and his rifle with the other. He doesn’t run away but he faces his enemies and meets them head-on—with resolve, perseverance, and guts. Rooster really knows what he stands for.

Do we as Christians have true grit? Are we intimidated by the spiritual bullets that fire at us because we feel outnumbered? Or do we resist them with confidence in the Lord and His Word—in His ability to shoot down the adversary with spiritual weapons of righteousness? Not self-righteouness—but HIS righteousness.

In 2 Timothy 1:7 it reads:

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.” (NIV)

We all get excited by the “power” promised in this verse. We’re ready to be strong like Rooster and pull out our six shooters to gun down the attacks of the enemy. But the subsequent words can get lost if we’re not careful. Let’s start with the word “love.”

And while we are talking about adversaries and enemies, let’s be astute about pointing out that we are to “love” our earthly enemies. The adversaries that we are to fight against are the spiritual ones that war against our souls. We are to make every attempt to be peacemakers with those who are not our friends. Sometimes that works better than others, since we live in a fallen world. Sin separates people. But we are to always love, even our enemies.

But it’s the third word in the verse in Timothy that is a stickler for all of us: self-discipline. It’s not just talking about resisting that dessert or being better at exercising regularly, although these are noble disciplines. We need to be spiritually disciplined. Just like we need healthy foods for strong bodies, strong spirits will not be nourished by avoiding God’s Word or starving ourselves from prayer time alone with our Heavenly Father. We need spiritual sustenance to be strong in the Lord. It takes a self-disciplined walk with the Savior to be spiritually ready to resist the attacks of the real enemy—Satan.

I can never read this section of Scripture often enough from the book of Ephesians. It talks about being ready and prepared for spiritual battle:

“Be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.”   Ephesians 6: 10-20 (NIV)

We can be as fearless as Rooster Cogburn facing his enemies. We don’t want to face the battle on our own strength, however, but with the power behind the sword of the spirit. We can have true grit, for His glory.

Elaine Marie Cooper grew up in Massachusetts but now lives in the Midwest with her husband Steve, her three dogs and one huge cat. She has two married sons and triplet grandbabies, who are often referred to (by her) as “the most beautiful grandbabies in the world.” Elaine’s only daughter, Bethany, passed away in 2003 from a brain tumor.

A retired registered nurse, Elaine has been a magazine freelance writer for many years, and is a regular contributor to a blog on the Midwest called The Barn Door (www.thebarndoor.net) and Reflections. She is also the author of her debut novel called The Road to Deer Run and is currently writing the sequel.

Elaine Cooper can be reached on FaceBook or visit her website at: DeerRunBooks.com

About The Road to Deer Run

The year is 1777 and the colonies of America are at war with England. In the midst of this fierce and painful conflict, two enemies—a wounded British soldier and a colonial farmwoman—are brought together through circumstances that challenge their fortitude, their faith and their ability to forgive. In the struggle comes healing and love. But as their destinies become intertwined, so do the forces that oppose them.

What Are Reviewers Saying about “The Road to Deer Run”?

“A heartwarming love story, sensitively written and a well-researched bit of American history. The book has a solid faith-based perspective that sets it apart.”

—   Jean LemMom, former Editor, Better Homes & Gardens Magazine

“A captivating tale of love, honor, redemption, and patriotism….Cooper breathes life into her characters and their world in an entertaining way with generous details and facts.”

—   Wanda Ventling, Editor in Chief, Life: Beautiful Magazine

“With subplots as appealing as the main story, the book is well researched, well written, and well worth the purchase price. Ready for the sequel.”

— Kirkus Discoveries Reviews

“The Road to Deer Run” is available at:

Amazon.com

BarnesandNoble.com

IUniverse.com

DeerRunBooks.com