relational conflict

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The memory of the day my husband told me he no longer loved me still turns my stomach. I’d say this occurred during a rough season, except that could probably define my marriage up to that point—rough. When we stood at the altar, years prior, vowing to hold tight to one another no matter what, neither of us understood how challenging that would become. Nor did we recognize how all the unprocessed gunk we both brought into the relationship, including our inability to communicate well in times of conflict, would damage the bond we were trying so hard to build.

Actually, we weren’t aware that all that gunk in our souls even existed. Back then, I blamed my husband for most of our issues. If only he worked less, remained present and emotionally available when home, and saw things from my “much more accurate” perspective, then all would be well.

A perspective I spent considerable energy explaining, sometimes quite vehemently. That never helped. In fact, it typically caused him to retreat, which left me feeling more hurt and defensive.

This created a destructive cycle that slowly eroded the emotional safety needed for my husband to show up in the ways I ached for, and for me to love him as he needed and deserved as well.

Eventually, things became so bad, my husband spoke the words I’d always subconsciously feared: I don’t love you anymore.

We were in our bedroom, me sitting at the foot of our bed, him in the master bath ironing a work shirt. I don’t remember what we’d been arguing about prior. I’m relatively certain, however, that the what (inciting incident) was much less consequential than the how (the way we attempted to resolve things). We were so stuck in shame, fear and our fierce desires to self-protect, we couldn’t hear one another’s hearts.

And so, we slipped into what this week’s guest Chris Coursey refers to as enemy mode. To paraphrase his definition, this occurs when we begin to view the other person as the problem and prioritize fixing the issue over preserving the relationship.

That was over two decades ago, and I’m grateful to say, we’ve learned a lot since then about fighting for our marriage, rather than against one another. We’ve gotten much better at seeing the good in one another, even when we’re upset. And, by God’s grace, we’ve gone from, “I don’t know if we’ll make it,” to knowing we’re held, individually and as a couple, by the Lord’s power and grace.

Ours was far from an easy or quick journey, nor have we fully arrived. But we’re in a much better and far more joyful place than we’ve ever been, again, by God’s grace.

I repeat that on purpose, because when we’re in an intense relational storm, we need to know that God’s grace will meet us, even there. That He still has good planned for us and the power and wisdom to bring that good to pass.

If you’re staring at the damage in a relationship you treasure and wondering whether it’s too late to find your way back to one another, I hope you’ll listen to my conversation with Chris Coursey. We talk about the pain beneath relational distance, what helps us feel safe enough to reconnect and how to take a hopeful next step when you’re afraid the relationship may be beyond repair.

And in the meantime, hold onto these truths: God is with you, friend. He is for you. He is carrying you and He will not let you go.

If you’re presently feeling anxious regarding a difficult relationship, or anything else for that matter, take a listen to this. It helped me remember God’s power and care when I was feeling anxious. I hope it does the same for you.

And, make sure to catch my conversation with Chris Coursey, president of Thrive Today. You can listen HERE.

When You Fear You'll Miss God's Will: How to Hear Him with Confidence – Faith Over Fear

Have you ever worried you misheard God or that one wrong decision could take you outside His will? Maybe you're facing several good options, struggling to know which direction to take or stuck in an exhausting cycle of second-guessing. Bible teacher and author Erica Wiggenhorn joins Jennifer Slattery to share a personal experience of seeking God's direction during a painful family season and what she learned about His grace. They also explore how God redirected the apostle Paul and what his experience teaches us about moving forward with confidence, even when we're uncertain. Discover how to grow more confident in recognizing God's voice, why closed doors don't necessarily mean you've made a mistake and how to trust His leading when circumstances become confusing or frightening. Jennifer and Erica discuss practical ways to approach Scripture, recognize the Holy Spirit's guidance and find peace during seasons of waiting. Gain encouragement to release the pressure of getting every decision right and trust God's faithfulness to lead you as you pursue Him. Resource referenced: Loving Your Wayward Child: A Christian Guide to Stand in Faith and Build Connection When Their Choices Break Your Heart by Erica Wiggenhorn Scriptures discussed: Acts 8–9, Acts 16:6–10, Philippians (book referenced), John 10:10, Romans 12:1–2, Psalm 139:5, Psalm 139:23–24, John 16:12–13, Matthew 6:34, Matthew 14:22–33, Matthew 28:20. Catch Erica and Jennifer's previous conversation on Living a Courageously Unexplainable Life  HERE.  Connect with Erica Wiggenhorn: On her website On Instagram On Facebook Follow her on Amazon Find Jennifer Slattery: On her website Instagram Facebook Amazon Subscribe to her free newsletter   Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
  1. When You Fear You'll Miss God's Will: How to Hear Him with Confidence
  2. Does it Feel Like You Can't Hear God? Practical Steps to Increase Spiritual Sensitivity
  3. Why God Might Feel Distant and How to Connect With Him More Deeply
  4. How God Redeems Our Deepest Regrets (ft. Dustin Lolli, lead singer Sanctus Real)
  5. How God Helps Us Repair Broken Relationships

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Sad woman sitting in a caféMy friend was struggling. She’d been hurt deeply, unjustly, and by someone she’d once been close to. Worse, past experience told her this individual wouldn’t likely handle the situation in a godly manner. Rather, she’d spew her anger and her slanted representation to all who would listen. My friend worried her social group and faith community would be shattered, or at the very least, that she’d be shoved aside. That others would form conclusions and opinions on what they heard and would ultimately reject her.

This situation consumed her. It stole her joy and distracted her from her God-given mission. Which was ironic as the original conflict stemmed from that mission, or more accurately, challenges to it. In other words, she’d expressed concern regarding behavior she deemed counter-productive to the gospel. And while she admitted she hadn’t addressed the situation with the grace she should have, her urge to do so stemmed from Christ.

Unfortunately, however, she’d allowed her passion to initiate action before her heart had a chance to listen.

Oh, how often I do the same! When I see sin or dysfunction, manipulative or hurtful behavior, something deep inside pricks as an impulse to act ignites. And while that emotion, that conviction-based reaction, isn’t wrong, it’s incomplete and uninformed. It’s a signal that I need to seek God—His heart and guidance—for the situation and all involved. Because only He knows the best way for me to proceed—how to bring hope and life and healing to areas and interactions that are dark and diseased.

In Psalm 25, a man named David, who later became ancient Israel’s second king, endured frequent and ongoing attacks. Evil men, driven by insecurities, jealousy, and pride, hunted him down. One man in particular, the nation’s current ruler, wanted David dead and made this desire his life’s mission. He was relentless and his actions were unfair. David could’ve fought back. He could’ve told everyone he encountered of the injustice of it all, of how evil and deranged his enemies were.

What’s more, he who’d single-handedly conquered a nine-foot, tyrannical giant, could’ve assassinated his greatest threat and, presumably, spent the remainder of his life in peace.

But he didn’t. Instead, he sought God—regularly, fervently, and fully.

In Psalm 25, clearly written during a time of intense conflict, he said:

“To You, O Lord, I lift up my soul. O my God, in You I trust. … let not my enemies exult over me” (v. 1, ESV). In other Image of Ps 25:1words, “I surrender my life and this situation to You and trust You to protect and defend me.”

He continued, “Indeed, none who wait for You shall be put to shame; they shall be ashamed who are wantonly treacherous” (v. 3).

David was able to wait, to rest in God’s sovereignty and timing, because he knew deep in his heart that God was just. That though evil appeared to be winning at that moment, truth and goodness would prevail.

But here’s his power prayer:

“Make me to know  Your ways, O Lord; teach me Your paths. Lead me in Your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; for You I wait all day long” (v. 4-5).

In the middle of his pain and fear, while enduring injustice, David sought God, saying, in essence, “What should I do now? How do You want me to respond? Show me, lead me, and teach me.”

Oh, the wisdom and strength in those words. Can you imagine what our relationships might look like if we learned to seek not just God’s intervention or vindication, but more importantly, His heart?

A while back, a loved one came to me in tears. She, like my friend, had been deeply hurt. I listened, hugged her, then asked, “Have you prayed about this?” When she responded that she had, I asked further, “And how are you praying?”

She said, “I told God this sucks.”

I laughed and nodded, agreeing with both her and Christ in her. But then I said, “Ask Him what He wants to show you.”

Her venting to God openly and honestly was a great start. May we always unveil the depths of our heart and hurts to the One who knows and loves us deeply. But may we not stop there, lest we get stuck in the pain or respond in unguided emotion. Rather, may we, like David, ask our Savior to show us, lead us, and teach us.

When we do that, the results will be beautiful, regardless of how our situations turn out, because God will strengthen and change us through it. He’ll help us become a little more like His Son, who demonstrated incomprehensible love in the face of injustice and evil—because His vision centered on something far beyond that moment to the souls of all mankind.

Connect with Jennifer Slattery on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter, join her private Faith Over Fear Facebook Group, Logo image for Faith Over Fearand watch out for her soon-to-launch Faith Over Fear Podcast and Bible reading plan on the YouVersion app.