The memory of the day my husband told me he no longer loved me still turns my stomach. I’d say this occurred during a rough season, except that could probably define my marriage up to that point—rough. When we stood at the altar, years prior, vowing to hold tight to one another no matter what, neither of us understood how challenging that would become. Nor did we recognize how all the unprocessed gunk we both brought into the relationship, including our inability to communicate well in times of conflict, would damage the bond we were trying so hard to build.
Actually, we weren’t aware that all that gunk in our souls even existed. Back then, I blamed my husband for most of our issues. If only he worked less, remained present and emotionally available when home, and saw things from my “much more accurate” perspective, then all would be well.
A perspective I spent considerable energy explaining, sometimes quite vehemently. That never helped. In fact, it typically caused him to retreat, which left me feeling more hurt and defensive.
This created a destructive cycle that slowly eroded the emotional safety needed for my husband to show up in the ways I ached for, and for me to love him as he needed and deserved as well.
Eventually, things became so bad, my husband spoke the words I’d always subconsciously feared: I don’t love you anymore.
We were in our bedroom, me sitting at the foot of our bed, him in the master bath ironing a work shirt. I don’t remember what we’d been arguing about prior. I’m relatively certain, however, that the what (inciting incident) was much less consequential than the how (the way we attempted to resolve things). We were so stuck in shame, fear and our fierce desires to self-protect, we couldn’t hear one another’s hearts.
And so, we slipped into what this week’s guest Chris Coursey refers to as enemy mode. To paraphrase his definition, this occurs when we begin to view the other person as the problem and prioritize fixing the issue over preserving the relationship.
That was over two decades ago, and I’m grateful to say, we’ve learned a lot since then about fighting for our marriage, rather than against one another. We’ve gotten much better at seeing the good in one another, even when we’re upset. And, by God’s grace, we’ve gone from, “I don’t know if we’ll make it,” to knowing we’re held, individually and as a couple, by the Lord’s power and grace.
Ours was far from an easy or quick journey, nor have we fully arrived. But we’re in a much better and far more joyful place than we’ve ever been, again, by God’s grace.
I repeat that on purpose, because when we’re in an intense relational storm, we need to know that God’s grace will meet us, even there. That He still has good planned for us and the power and wisdom to bring that good to pass.
If you’re staring at the damage in a relationship you treasure and wondering whether it’s too late to find your way back to one another, I hope you’ll listen to my conversation with Chris Coursey. We talk about the pain beneath relational distance, what helps us feel safe enough to reconnect and how to take a hopeful next step when you’re afraid the relationship may be beyond repair.
And in the meantime, hold onto these truths: God is with you, friend. He is for you. He is carrying you and He will not let you go.
If you’re presently feeling anxious regarding a difficult relationship, or anything else for that matter, take a listen to this. It helped me remember God’s power and care when I was feeling anxious. I hope it does the same for you.
And, make sure to catch my conversation with Chris Coursey, president of Thrive Today. You can listen HERE.
