It brings out the ugly in me. It makes me fight to be right, to elevate myself, and seek temporary fillers like accolades and admiration that feed my pride but fail to feed my soul. This thing lurking within my heart causes me to avoid difficult conversations and engage in those I shouldn’t.
But worst of all, it distorts Christ in me.
Love is the root of this nasty, unity-destroying behavior. Self-love.
I’ve lived the truth of 1 Corinthians 8:1: “Knowledge puffs up while love builds up” (NIV).
Puffs up, like an inflated balloon or a puffer fish with its cheeks swelled and spikes protruding—seeking to elevate myself at the expense of others. But love, pure love, agape love, the kind that flows from God, doesn’t focus on self at all.
About ten years ago, I began to ask some hard questions regarding my faith and the credibility of the
Bible. I wanted to know—was Jonah really swallowed by a big fish? Was there really a worldwide flood? Did Lot’s wife really turn into a pillar of salt?
Those questions led to an in-depth study I soon wanted to share with others. My motives were pure and stemmed from my love for God and His Word. The results were beautiful. Each week, I’d meet with a group of women while volunteers taught our little ones arts and crafts.
Until Sue* arrived and quickly turned argumentative. I took her challenge as an invitation and, puffed up with “knowledge”, accepted. Like the elders who were creating such division in Ephesus, I stopped focusing on making God known and instead focused on making myself look good and smart. Before long, the pleasant, Christ-centered discussion among a handful of moms turned into a tense battle over words.
No longer was I focused on God, others, and the truth. Instead, I wanted to win the argument. My self-love, my pride, pulled me in when I should’ve walked away, and I allowed the woman to dominate and divert the focus of the conversation.
Though I wasn’t blasphemous like the elders Paul spoke about in 1 Timothy 1:3-6, I became like them when I veered from the love that comes from Christ.
I’ve erred in the other direction also, when, remaining silent, I watched a young lady become enslaved in legalism and drift further and further from Christ.
She’s since abandoned the faith entirely.
I had numerous opportunities to speak, as Paul urged Timothy to do, but I chose to walk away. Out of fear that the woman would become angry and our relationship would crumble. In other words, out of self-protection. Self-love.
Truth and love, real love, are intertwined. Scripture tells us God has entrusted us with the gospel. This saving truth has the power to set man free—from sin, self-destruction, emptiness, death. With each word, we’re either pointing others to our Savior and an eternity with Him, or we’re getting in the way.
And how do we know which is which? We do a heart check and ask God to cleanse us from everything within not motivated by the love that comes from a pure heart, a clear conscience, and a genuine faith (1 Tim. 1:5 NLT).
May we, regularly, pray David’s words in Psalm 19:12-14:
“How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart? Cleanse me from these hidden faults. Keep your servant from deliberate sins! Don’t let them control me. Then I will be free of guilt and innocent of great sin. May the words of my mouth and the mediation of my heart be pleasing to You, O Lord, my rock, and my redeemer” (NLT).
Let’s talk about this! Can you relate to either of my stories? When has fear (self-love) caused you to walk away from a conversation you knew God was calling you to engage in? Can you relate to the converse? When has your pride motivated you to elevate yourself and fight to be right? What are some ways we can guard against this?
Share your thoughts here in the comments below then visit our Facebook discussion page for suggested reading, further discussion, and daily devotional questions.
*Name changed to protect privacy.
Loved, chosen, & empowered 
Yes, Jennifer, I can relate. A lady I know who was blaming others for something that went wrong did not take responsibility for how she had handled things. I debated speaking to her about it, but refrained because of damaging our relationship and hurting her fragile self-esteem. I still wonder at times if I should mention it to her although it would not change past outcomes. Maybe it would serve to make her consider the whole picture including her part in future responsibilities. We don’t see each other much now, and that makes me want to engage in upbeat conversation in our little shared time. So again, I keep silent.
That is such a hard decision! Sometimes God is indeed calling us to speak truth to others, but sometimes He’s calling us to pray and plans to bring truth through someone else or in another way. May He give you wisdom as you continue to love your friend and seek God’s will in this area.
A while ago, I experienced a similar situation. I felt God gave me insight regarding someone I care about deeply, insight that I felt could help this person, but I wasn’t sure if or when to broach the subject. I felt as if God was leading my heart to be a listener rather than a “truth giver” in that moment. Within a few days, God presented the same information through a church sermon that the individual attended. I left feeling as if God had dealt with the situation for me.
Of course, there have been other times when I’ve sensed Him nudging me to have some hard conversations. Only He knows the other person’s heart, emotional state, and the best way to reach them. When we pray for and follow His leading and continually check our hearts, making sure we’re truly acting out of love, I think the decision of when (or if) and how to have some of those more difficult conversations become clearer.
Thank you so much for sharing your example with us. I love your heart for Jesus and for your friend! ❤
I shared this on Facebook. Good article.
Thanks so much, Pirkko! For sharing and for the encouraging comment. 🙂 Blessings!
I sometimes want to “be right” when my husband and I enteract. I hate both what it does in our relationship and how it must make him feel.
I find that the more time I lend to worship, prayer and reading and meditating on the WORD the more naturally I’ll respond properly. The converse is also true and the norm, I’m afraid, when I neglect these holy disciplines I can be quick to put myself forward at all costs “taking no prisoners!”
Fellowship and supports, such as this blog, also help keep the goal in view even as we struggle together it silences shame, guilt and fear, weapons our enemy uses to render us ineffective.
I can so relate! I can easily fall into some pretty ugly behavior when I want to right. I love your suggestion to stay focused on worship, prayer, and Scripture–the best ways to tap into our power source! Thanks for the insight and example!
I squirm when I read Job. One week at our weekly “Prayer Breakfast” the usual leaders were away and I led the study (before the prayers). Some folk interpreted the chapter differently to me, but i was leading and wouldn’t listen.
Hopefully (I believe) I’ve learned a bit more about humility since then, and the general tenor of my ways would be to encourage and invite contributions.
Having said that I’ve not had the opportunity to meet with local believers in that way for some time (our local congregation is mainly elderly and meets during the working day).
With St.John’s in Crawley hopefully all that is about to change.
Job is a tough book for sure! Thanks for sharing; I suspect we’ve all been there a time or two. I have no doubt God will use you and what you’ve learned to minister to others. He’s so gracious to grow us and use us! 🙂 ❤