My daughter could’ve become a statistic, part of the growing “unchurched” population, many of whom left the church not due to doctrinal differences or unbelief but rather, hurt. Wounds caused by those who claim to follow Jesus but behave nothing like Him.
The problem is, we rarely know what lies beneath the surface. We see the tense body language, the scowls, hear the angry and hostile responses, and form all sorts of quick judgments.
We attack symptoms rather than taking the time to get to the root.
Like a tender flower nurtured or trampled, faith blossoms or dies in the heart. This, therefore, is our target. To reach it, we must listen well, a skill I’m sorely deficient in. As a result, I’ve hurt those I care about and I’ve shut down, in some cases, irreversibly, eternally significant conversations. In my failure to truly listen, to the person and the Holy Spirit within me, I’ve created barriers not only between myself and another person, but I fear perhaps between them and God as well.
I almost did the same with my daughter during her teen years. I knew once she left the home, a day that was rapidly approaching, she could walk away from the church for good. There would be no one to encourage her to go to follow Jesus. In my fear and growing sense of urgency, I began to push. Thank God for a wise husband who remains sensitive to the Spirit’s prompting. Watching our interactions and the tension growing between my daughter and I, he urged me to stop. To pull back before I pushed her away.
So I did. I let conversations regarding God drop and surrendered our daughter to Christ. But I began to pray, with the fervency of one who knows an important situation is out of their hands. Perhaps that’s the best outcome surrender produces. It reminds us where the power for life change truly lies, and that’s not in our well-crafted arguments or logical presentations but rather with Christ.
Surrender reminds us that God does indeed know best how to reach the hearts He created. Trusting this to be true with my daughter, I turned every anxious thought to prayer. I prayed He’d soften her heart, speak to her in ways only He could, guide me daily in how to respond, and give me the strength and courage to obey. To truly live as an instrument of His perfect, brilliant, life-changing love and grace.
In the meantime, I waited and loved, with an ever-attentive ear to Christ and everything my daughter was and wasn’t saying. While this felt frightening at the time, God showed me beauty and healing unfold when we are “quick to listen [and] slow to speak” as James 1:19 instructs.
For my daughter, it took about a year and a half of listening, of waiting and praying, before the truth came out. Contrary to what I’d thought, she wasn’t pulling away out of disbelief. All her scientific knowledge hadn’t captured and deceived her heart. God’s children, those who had spoken judgement and condemnation, had.
As a result, pain had become tangled with faith, causing every church service, worship song, and family Bible reading to trigger those wounds buried deep within.
And I almost missed it.
I’ve since discovered, my daughter’s experience is far from unique. So many of the people we interact with each day, maybe even try to share our faith with, appear angry on the outside, but inside, they’re wounded.
But we belong to a God who “searches and knows” us. Who actively plunges the depths of the human soul, uncovering those deeply hidden hurts no one else sees or, perhaps, even takes the time to uncover. And Scripture says we’re His ambassadors, His representatives and image bearers. To act as instruments of healing, because Scripture tells us it’s His kindness, not our rebuttals, that lead to repentance.
God truly does have the power to change lives and save souls. That’s not to say we should never speak truth, but rather, that we do so always and only as God leads.
May you and I stop throwing up road blocks and begin paving loving, safe pathways instead.
You can hear more of her story, and on the power of listening well, in my latest podcast episode titled Courage for When Our Kids Doubt the Faith. While we speak specifically on interactions between parents and their children, the principles discussed apply to all of our interactions.
The Courage That Comes When We Know We're Not Alone – Faith Over Fear
- The Courage That Comes When We Know We're Not Alone
- The Cause, Prevalence, and Healing of Soul Shame with Dr. Curt Thompson
- Courage to Break Free from Emotional Eating With Barb Raveling
- What to Pray in the Morning for a Worry-Free Day | Teach Us to Pray
- Courage to "Do the Thing" with Rebecca George
Speaking of showing love and grace to those who have been hurt by the church, that is one of the most beautiful actions I’ve witnessed from my Wholly Loved team members. They truly have a heart for the hurting and actively speak love and grace to wounded hearts. And you can help us reach even more women, a growing number of whom are becoming increasingly disconnected and struggling with mental health challenges like never before. This Giving Tuesday, prayerfully consider if God is asking you to partner with us as we point others to the soul-reaching freedom Christ offers. Click HERE to make a donation of any amount.
Thank you, Jennifer, for this post. It spoke volumes to me about some wounded relationships in my family. May my ears be large and my mouth small as I continually give them back to the One who shapes our hearts.
❤️❤️❤️❤️ Love your tender heart!
My daughter and several sons as well as my husband left Church. My husband was hurt. The kids it was several influences; spouses and a liberal public university.
Please pray for their hearts to be softened and for the flame of the Holy Spirit to grow into a burning fire they cannot ignore.
Oh, Carol, that’s so hard and painful. Praying for your loved ones this morning, and also for you, that God gives you His perfect wisdom for every interaction.