My husband knows the pain of estrangement.
The sting of regret and the anxiety of second-guessing himself and replaying words spoken and conversations held. He’s felt the bittersweet grief left by memories that once brought joy but now come laden with pain. I’ve watched him mourn moments he’ll probably never experience again. He’s grieved the vacations they won’t take and holidays they won’t celebrate together.
Although I suspect the treatment he suffered for years prior stung worse.
He was married prior to meeting me, and before yielding his life to Christ. While that relationship began pleasantly enough, it soon devolved in yelling, fighting, name-calling and what I’d term verbal and emotional abuse. After fifteen years of feeling constantly under attack, he left. He’s certain things between him and his ex would’ve played out differently, had he been following Christ. But sadly, he wasn’t, and they didn’t.
In the years that followed, he worked hard to remain engaged in his children’s lives, a goal challenged by geographical distance and a severe case of parental alienation. This, coupled with the guilt he felt from leaving his children, caused him to over-function and appease his kids. Although his intentions were good, the results weren’t. Afraid of losing the relationships he fought so hard to maintain, he allowed one child in particular to treat him in much the same way as his ex had. We both assumed tempers would calm with time, love and consistency.
Unfortunately, that’s not what happened. Instead, the hostility and behavior escalated until this particular relationship fractured completely. While God can bring reconciliation from seemingly hopeless situations, that typically requires both parties to invest in the repair. That’s a difficult reality to accept. But it also carries the potential for freedom and personal healing, because it helps us release what isn’t ours to carry.
Our journey showed us that reconciliation requires more than one willing heart. Each person must be willing to acknowledge the wounds they suffered and inflicted. Both must willingly pursue healing, growth, and honest conversation. When that happens, even deeply fractured relationships can begin to mend. When it doesn’t, one person’s effort can carry a relationship only so far.
You might know this from experience.
Perhaps you presently find yourself where my husband stood, early in his relational storm—thinking if only you tried harder, loved more and responded to hostility with grace, you’ll eventually win the other person over. Or, maybe after decades of attempts you recognize it’s time to walk away—at least, until your friend, loved one or spouse shows they’re willing and able to change. Or maybe you sense God re-igniting the hope that a barrage of arguments and mistreatment tried to kill. Only, you’re not sure you have the courage to try again, because hope, once dashed, can feel risky.
What if you get hurt yet again?
I don’t have any brilliant answers, except this: Jesus knows the best response. The healthiest response. Scripture phrases it this way: If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone (Romans 12:18, NIV).
If it’s possible.
As far as it depends on us.
This reminds us that we’re responsible for our actions and reactions, but we have no control over someone else’s choices or maturity. Because here’s something I’m learning, as I navigate some of my challenging relationships: We can’t control how anyone else behaves. We can’t remove someone else’s bitterness, expand their perspective, open their ears to productive conversation or soften a hardened heart.
But we can become the best version of ourselves possible.
We can view every interaction as a learning opportunity that leads to greater self-awareness of our wounding and the lies attached to them. To increased spiritual maturity that stems from deeper dependence on Christ. And the priceless gift of enhanced intimacy with the Lord.
God can bring such beauty to us, our lives and our future relationships when we choose to grow through the pain, refusing to get stuck in the mess or our “offense”. Christ promised to bring good from our pain. But that usually requires effort on our part—not to fix the situation, but instead, to fix our gaze—on Jesus, keep our ears tuned to the Holy Spirit, and our feet ready to follow however He leads.*
If this is something you’re navigating now, I encourage you to catch Carol and my series on the Faith Over Fear podcast on relational peace and how to love others well without losing ourselves. This past Tuesday, we launched with one of our favorite guests, Becky Harling, who discussed with Carol how fear leads to over-functioning in our relationships and how over-functioning leads to burnout and resentment. Next week, I’m talking with a trauma-informed biblical counselor regarding what Scripture actually teaches regarding healthy boundaries. The following Tuesday, Carol and Bible teacher Kathy Howard will discuss how to respond rather than react in difficult relationships, followed by a discussion with neuropsychologist Dr. Michelle Bengston on how to handle those relationships that don’t change, typically because the other person refuses to do so. And finally, we’ll close our series discussing what to do with the unpleasant emotions that often come when we others choose to remain in harmful behaviors and patterns.
Before you go, what most encouraged or frustrated you in today’s post?
Share in the comments below. Let me know how I can pray for you as well. And wherever you’re at relationally, know this: God sees you. He loves you, remains with you and will bring beauty from your pain. That I can promise you, because He promised it first (Rom. 8:28).
*If this feels hard and confusing, can I gently encourage you to not give up? Learning to recognize God’s voice and sense His leading takes time and practice, and often, prayer asking for His help. Thankfully, this is a request He loves to answer! Feel free to reach out to me through my contact page if you’d like to know about the resources I’ve found helpful in my journey toward increased spiritual sensitivity.
