Man holding hand over his mouth(Please note: This piece originally posted on March 8, 2018.)

My words have gotten me into a heap of trouble. I’ve initiated and meddled in arguments I shouldn’t have, fought to be right rather than understand, and wreaked destruction in the name of self-defense.

Considering the consequences wrought from my careless, and often damaging, statements, one would think I’d have learned to guard my words. But though I’ve memorized, prayed, and recited verses addressing this issue numerous times, I continue to stumble.

Here’s why: I’ve been fighting the symptom instead of the cause.

Whenever my mouth (or keyboard) runs a muck, my pride’s at fault. The solution, then, is surrender—making Jesus, obedience to Him, and the intimacy that follows (rather than man’s opinion) my treasure.

Let me explain using Proverbs 18:2 as an example: “Fools have no interest in understanding; they only want to air their own opinions.”

Because we believe we know best, need to defend ourselves, or prove our point.

Often, this is triggered by fear (which, 90% of the time is rooted in pride)—fear of losing face or not getting something we want or hope for. But in our desire to elevate or defend ourselves, we can miss crucial unspoken “heart talk.”

Let me give an example. A while back, I engaged in a somewhat heated discussion with someone, one that revealed considerable miscommunication—things that were heard that were never said, statements taken out of context, and others extrapolated in confusing ways. Focused on the miscommunication, I attempted to unpack each one.

Remaining oblivious to the insecurities and wounds underlying it all and therefore only exacerbated the problem. Had I focused on the person’s heart more than their words, I could’ve responded with more wisdom and grace.

Reading through Proverbs 18, I thought of this interchange, and as I often do, of my propensity to talk myself into trouble. Only this time, I went deeper, to my heart. How, I wondered, could I respond differently the next time when, so often, my words tumble out before my brain catches up?

Evaluating the whys behind my behaviors, I came up with a list:

  1. Recognize I don’t need to defend myself. When someone criticizes me, if their complaints are valid, acknowledge this and prayerfully consider two women friendsways I might change. Because living in grace means I’m in need of it. I’m broken and prone to sin and nowhere near who God would have me to be, and yet I’m accepted and deeply loved. This disarms my pride with humility as I recognize my need for Christ, and this in turn gives me the courage to grow.
  2. Recognize God’s opinion and my obedience to Him is more important than man’s perception of me. When I base my identity in Christ and treasure intimacy with Him more than “saving face,” I don’t need to defend myself or prove a point.
  3. When I begin to feel defensive, uncover the fear beneath, and then remind myself of who I am in Christ. He’s my defender, protector, perfect guide, and the One who holds my future in His hands.
  4. Don’t own whatever’s not true. Simply disregard it, reminding myself of action steps one through three.
  5. Finally, listen for the fears and insecurities behind my “opponent’s” words and address those before attempting to resolve anything external.

Relational conflicts can be messy, confusing, and cloaked in emotion and false perceptions. To resolve them grace-fully, putting a guard rail on my tongue in the process, I need to take time to go deep—to my and my opponent’s heart, surrendering my pride and resultant emotions to Jesus so that He can love that other person through me.

Let’s talk about this! How easy is it for you to guard your tongue? When considering times your words have gotten you into trouble, can you see similar “root causes” as I mentioned in my list? In the above, I suggested pride is often the root of our fears and fear is often the root of much conflict. Do you agree or disagree, and why so? Share your thoughts with us in the comments below, because we can all learn from and encourage one another!

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The Courage to Shine a Light for Jesus – Ep. 88 Faith Over Fear

In our dark and hurting world that is often antagonistic to biblical truth, we might feel tempted to surround ourselves with other Christ-followers and to insulate ourselves from the world. But that isn’t the life to which God calls us. Jesus said that you and I are the light of the world. We’re not meant to be hidden. Instead, God wants us to shine brightly for Him, recognizing that our world needs His life and hope now more than ever. Find Kimi: https://kimimiller.com/ http://whollyloved.com/meet-the-team Find Jennifer: https://jenniferslatterylivesoutloud.com https://www.facebook.com/JenSlatte https://www.instagram.com/slatteryjennifer/ Find Wholly Loved, at: https://www.WhollyLoved.com Join the private Faith Over Fear Group Here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/442736966614671 Join the Wholly Loved Community Group Here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/443325386241769 Sign up to receive her 30-Day Fighting Fear emails HERE. Group Discussion Questions: 1. What resonated with you most in today’s episode? 2. What are some ways you’ve witnessed God’s light shining through others? 3. How did you feel when you were around those individuals? 4. What are some ways you believe God’s light shines through you? 5. When do you find it easiest to shine with the light of Christ? 6. When do you find it most challenging to shine God’s light? 7. What type of behavior would you equate to turning on the “flood lights”? 8. In what ways can such behavior prove counter productive? 9. When have you sensed God asking you to walk beside someone else when they felt as if their circumstances were particularly dark? 10. What are some ways you tried to bring light into their dark season? Episode Image Credit: Getty/drogatnev
  1. The Courage to Shine a Light for Jesus – Ep. 88
  2. John the Baptist and the Courage to Look Weird – Ep 87
  3. Podcast Recap: The Best of 2021 – Ep. 86
  4. Christmas with Mary and Joseph: Trusting God to Protect You – Ep. 85
  5. Christmas and the Magi: Trusting God to Lead You – Ep. 84