(Please note: This piece originally posted on March 8, 2018.)

My words have gotten me into a heap of trouble. I’ve initiated and meddled in arguments I shouldn’t have, fought to be right rather than understand, and wreaked destruction in the name of self-defense.

Considering the consequences wrought from my careless, and often damaging, statements, one would think I’d have learned to guard my words. But though I’ve memorized, prayed, and recited verses addressing this issue numerous times, I continue to stumble.

Here’s why: I’ve been fighting the symptom instead of the cause.

Whenever my mouth (or keyboard) runs a muck, my pride’s at fault. The solution, then, is surrender—making Jesus, obedience to Him, and the intimacy that follows (rather than man’s opinion) my treasure.

Let me explain using Proverbs 18:2 as an example: “Fools have no interest in understanding; they only want to air their own opinions.”

Because we believe we know best, need to defend ourselves, or prove our point.

Often, this is triggered by fear (which, 90% of the time is rooted in pride)—fear of losing face or not getting something we want or hope for. But in our desire to elevate or defend ourselves, we can miss crucial unspoken “heart talk.”

Let me give an example. A while back, I engaged in a somewhat heated discussion with someone, one that revealed considerable miscommunication—things that were heard that were never said, statements taken out of context, and others extrapolated in confusing ways. Focused on the miscommunication, I attempted to unpack each one.

Remaining oblivious to the insecurities and wounds underlying it all and therefore only exacerbated the problem. Had I focused on the person’s heart more than their words, I could’ve responded with more wisdom and grace.

Reading through Proverbs 18, I thought of this interchange, and as I often do, of my propensity to talk myself into trouble. Only this time, I went deeper, to my heart. How, I wondered, could I respond differently the next time when, so often, my words tumble out before my brain catches up?

Evaluating the whys behind my behaviors, I came up with a list:

1. Recognize I don’t need to defend myself. When someone criticizes me, if their complaints are valid, acknowledge this and prayerfully consider ways I might change. Because living in grace means I’m in need of it. I’m broken and prone to sin and nowhere near who God would have me to be, and yet I’m accepted and deeply loved. This disarms my pride with humility as I recognize my need for Christ, and this in turn gives me the courage to grow.
2. Recognize God’s opinion and my obedience to Him is more important than man’s perception of me. When I base my identity in Christ and treasure intimacy with Him more than “saving face,” I don’t need to defend myself or prove a point.
3. When I begin to feel defensive, uncover the fear beneath, and then remind myself of who I am in Christ. He’s my defender, protector, perfect guide, and the One who holds my future in His hands.
4. Don’t own whatever’s not true. Simply disregard it, reminding myself of action steps one through three.
5. Finally, listen for the fears and insecurities behind my “opponent’s” words and address those before attempting to resolve anything external.

Relational conflicts can be messy, confusing, and cloaked in emotion and false perceptions. To resolve them grace-fully, putting a guard rail on my tongue in the process, I need to take time to go deep—to my and my opponent’s heart, surrendering my pride and resultant emotions to Jesus so that He can love that other person through me.

Let’s talk about this! How easy is it for you to guard your tongue? When considering times your words have gotten you into trouble, can you see similar “root causes” as I mentioned in my list? In the above, I suggested pride is often the root of our fears and fear is often the root of much conflict. Do you agree or disagree, and why so? Share your thoughts with us in the comments below, because we can all learn from and encourage one another!

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The Cause, Prevalence, and Healing of Soul Shame with Dr. Curt Thompson – Faith Over Fear

We all have a God-given and holy desire to be fully known and wholly loved. But while that’s what we all want, what we all need, sadly, past wounds can cause us to withdraw and hide. But this only increases our shame. the God who sees us, knows us, and deeply loves us is, at this moment, relentlessly pursuing us and inviting us on a journey of healing. In this episode, Psychiatrist Dr. Curt Thompson, MD, invites us to experience deep healing and connection through Christ’s relentless love. (Scroll down for discussion/reflective questions) Resource mentioned: the Soul of Shame: Retelling the Stories We Believe About Ourselves by Dr. Curt Thompson the Being Known Podcast by Dr. Curt Thompson Find Dr. Curt Thompson: On His website Instagram Facebook Amazon Find Jennifer Slattery: On her website Instagram Facebook Amazon Find Wholly Loved: On their website Join the private Faith Over Fear Facebook Group  Join the Private Wholly Loved Community Facebook Group What resonated with you most in this episode? Prior to listening to this episode, how might you have described shame? Why might it be helpful or important to recognize how we experience shame physiologically? How does it feel to know we begin to experience shame as early as fifteen months? How often do your thoughts take on a condemning quality? In what areas of your life do you most feel unseen? What are some ways you allow yourself to be seen by God? What is one action step God might be asking you to take, having listened to this episode? See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

1. The Cause, Prevalence, and Healing of Soul Shame with Dr. Curt Thompson 40:18
2. Courage to Break Free from Emotional Eating With Barb Raveling 31:25
3. What to Pray in the Morning for a Worry-Free Day | Teach Us to Pray 15:27
4. Courage to "Do the Thing" with Rebecca George 31:25
5. Courage to Live in Your New Now with Nicki Koziarz 28:46