How to Respond to a Depressed Loved One

by Jennifer Slattery on February 1, 2024January 31, 2024

What can you do when someone you love has landed in such a dark place, it feels—to you and them—as if no amount of light can break through? This is how Teresa, President of Wholly Loved Ministries, described her experience with depression. In the latest Faith Over Fear podcast episode, she said she knew logically that God, her family, and her friends loved her, but she “wasn’t in a right state of mind.” Wonky chemical processing in her brain had hijacked her emotions and perception of reality. During that painful and discouraging time, she needed, and received, a lifeline through the steady presence of a gentle and empathetic friend.*

Someone who didn’t quote Bible verses at her, shame her with a series of “you shoulds” or get frustrated when Teresa’s battle appeared to make no sense to either of them.

In this, her friend mirrored the heart of her compassionate Father who draws close when we need Him most. Psalm 34:18, written by a man accustomed to overwhelming sorrow and fear, states, “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit” (ESV).

The Lord, Yahweh in the original Hebrew. The self-revealing, ever-present, relational God who steps into our messy and often turbulent lives, bringing supernatural strength to our weaknesses. Through His faithful and continual presence in our lives and pain.

The Lord is near. He responds to our pain, confusion, and even our rebellion and sin, by coming close. In love. This is an irrefutable truth that isn’t dependent upon our feelings or perceptions. This means, He remains with us, even when we don’t “feel” Him.

The Lord is near the brokenhearted. Those whose spirits are crushed.

Have you ever experienced grief so intense, your chest literally hurt and it felt as if someone was squeezing your heart in a vice? I have, and in those moments, I didn’t want anyone to list reasons as to why I should or could feel better. Nor did I want to hear a sermon on the goodness of God. In other situations, yes. But when guttural sobs wracked my body, all I wanted was to be held.

To know that I wasn’t alone.

And to receive the space I needed to cry.

I want to better mirror the gentle love and grace of my Savior. The One revealed in Isaiah 42:3, which states, “A bruised reed He will not break and a dimly burning wick He will not extinguish…” (NASB).

To rephrase, our Lord doesn’t belittle or berate the downtrodden. He doesn’t douse a person’s wound-weakened inner spark.

Instead, like a gardener nurturing a wilting and battered orchid, He kneels beside His hurting children, takes them in His arms, and nurses them, steadily yet slowly, to full bloom.

That is the Savior I represent—and was created to reflect. He doesn’t ask me to change or fix anyone. While He might, on occasion, encourage me to speak truth, most often, He simply invites me to walk beside my hurting friend as an instrument of His love, knowing He alone has the power to save the crushed in spirit. Knowing as well, whenever I step outside of His leading, regardless of how well-intended, I’m apt to start trampling upon those the Lord is working to lift up.

Those He is, at this moment, making ‘new.’ (Isaiah 43:19)

*Please note: Whenever we seek to offer others support, it’s important that we listen for and follow God’s lead to ensure that we ourselves are strong enough and in a safe place.

Unpacking the Emotional Baggage That Weakens Relationships – Faith Over Fear

We all have emotional baggage clogging the suitcases in our souls. Unprocessed pain from childhood and past relationships distorts our perceptions, weakens our trust, and often leads to out-of-proportion reactions. In this episode, relationship coach Dana Che Williams joins Jennifer Slattery to discuss common signs of emotional baggage and ways we can begin to unpack those things that aren't serving us or our relationships. (Scroll down for discussion/reflective questions.) Resources mentioned: The Best of You by Dr. Allison Cook (Here Jennifer's discussion with Allison here.) Relationship Connection Quiz (on Dana's Website) Find Dana Che Williams at: Her website Instagram Facebook YouTube Rebuilding Us Podcast Find Jennifer Slattery at: On her website Instagram Facebook Amazon Subscribe to her free newsletter Join the private Faith Over Fear Facebook Group Discussion/reflective questions: What resonated with you most in this episode? What relational patterns have you noticed in your life? What relational patterns have you noticed in your family of origin? How challenging do you find it to trust others? When do you most tend to react strongly? Do you notice a pattern that might point to unprocessed pain? When navigating relational challenges might it be helpful to get help from someone with relationship training? Why is it important to seek God's wisdom and perspective regarding our behavior and relationships? What is one step God might want you to take, having listened to this episode? Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.

When Our Loved Ones Self-destruct

by Jennifer Slattery on November 2, 2023November 1, 2023

(This first posted on July 26, 2018.)

(This first posted on July 26, 2018).

I’ve been on both sides of today’s topic. I’ve engaged in my share of self-destructive behavior. I’ve also grieved the choices made by those I love. And while they engaged in activities I know will only lead to increased pain, at times, I felt helpless, unable to do anything to prevent what seemed like an imminent crisis.

But Scripture promises the opposite. As my guest today reminds us, there’s something we can always do, whether near or far, that has the capacity to change lives for all eternity. (James 5:16)

When Our Loved Ones Self-Destruct by Linda Samaritoni

Have you ever known someone who walked away from God? Maybe a colossal disappointment shattered their world, and they assumed if God allowed such a thing to happen, then He didn’t really care about them. Maybe temptation overcame them, and they blamed God for not preventing their headlong charge into sin. Maybe… Well, there are millions of possible maybes.

What happens to those individuals who remain separated from Christ?

For many, stepping away from faith feels like a relief—at first. Even in their misery, they welcome the release of pressure, similar to ratcheting down a steam valve before the pipes blow.

Such pressure is self-induced. In a performance-driven society, people often fall into the trap that God is expecting them to succeed at an A+ level.

They don’t understand His grace. They don’t trust this grim deity who takes note of every mistake. Once they withdraw, the burdens of their own making ease off. No more straining to “be good.” No further obligations to “do good.” Since they’d already proven themselves way short in every category of life, why not abandon efforts to please God?

Before those individuals decided to turn away, they chose to keep a death grip on their lives, not allowing God to control the pressure valve. They added more weight to God’s expectations. They kept spinning the wheel harder and harder to the right, edging into the red zone until the pounds per square inch became unbearable.

I’ve agonized over a dear friend for years. He felt betrayed because God didn’t say “yes” to his one big prayer. He had worked for a positive answer. He had tithed, taught Sunday school, attended church every week, and led a Bible study.

Instead of seeking his Father in the midst of disappointment, he marched in the opposite direction, jerking that wheel farther to the right. He would never ask God for a thing ever again. A wrench of the wheel. He would do as he wished since no amount of work met with God’s approval. Wrench.

At first, he enjoyed the release from assumed church pressures and any obligations to join us in prayer or Bible study. He turned his back on the guilt resulting from his sin against God and others.

His relief was short-lived. Since he’s not on speaking terms with God, life is terrifying, yet he remains tied to performance-based objectives as a way of life. He knows every one of his character flaws, and nothing he does will ever be adequate.

These days, shame drums endlessly like a nagging headache, and he has no resources to assuage it. He won’t call on God for help. He refuses to take his hands off the controls as the needle on the gauge trembles further into the red zone.

Ultimately, the freedom to please self turns sour. God’s beckoning hand either draws the person to eternal refuge or the individual resists Him and spirals downward into hopelessness and poverty of soul.

What can we do for our loved ones head toward self-destruction? We model Jesus. We pray. And we pray, and we pray.

***

Let’s talk about this! Is someone you care about self-destructing? Did anything in Linda’s post give you hope? Or maybe you have a miracle story regarding someone you’ve prayed for over the years. Share your stories, examples, and suggestions with us in the comments below..

Get to Know Linda

Linda Sammaritan assumed she’d teach middle-graders until school authorities presented her with a retirement wheelchair at the overripe age of eighty-five, but God cut those plans short by a couple of decades when He gave her a growing passion for writing fiction. After blowing goodbye kisses to her students, she now dedicates her work hours to learning the craft. Every once in a while, though, she finds her way back to school so she can teach creative writing workshops. She is currently working on a middle grade trilogy, World Without Sound, based on her own experiences growing up with a deaf sister.

Linda often travels across the country to visit her grandchildren, regaling them with “Nona stories,” life lessons from her childhood. Visit her online at her personal website and group website, connect with her on Facebook, and follow her on Twitter.

Unpacking the Emotional Baggage That Weakens Relationships – Faith Over Fear

Finding Joy When Our Kids Struggle

by Jennifer Slattery on January 9, 2020November 1, 2021

When those we love hurt, often our first response is to try to fix things. Or, if we anticipate a potential threat, we may attempt to orchestrate things so that those we care about somehow remain pain-free. At least, that’s how I’m tempted to respond. Until I take a step back and consider life through a more grace-filled lens and remember, God always has a hope-filled plan, one intended to bring healing and growth.

I’ve always hated to see our daughter struggle emotionally, spiritually, or physically. As a result, at times, my parenting became entangled with my heart’s desire to make my daughter happy. Many times, watching tears pour from her big green eyes, I forgot God’s primary focus was on her growth, not her momentary comfort or pleasure.

Unfortunately, sometimes, many times, growth involves pain.

When our daughter was young, we home-schooled, and after an expensive and unproductive first semester, I started adapting my lessons to her learning style. I realized rather quickly, textbooks and paperwork didn’t work for her, so I tossed out over a thousand dollars’ worth of curriculum and began planning my own.

I found a way to teach everything through dialogue, stories, or hands-on activities. She excelled and quickly developed a love for learning punctuated by questions and personal exploration. In fact, many times I felt as if I was simply trying to keep up!

Everything changed once she entered institutionalized school. To paraphrase her next eight-and-a-half years of learning, she struggled. A lot. Though I saw her angst, I largely didn’t understand what was really going on. Initially, I assumed she was simply having a difficult time adjusting and that I’d left some holes in her educational journey. When she reached high school, I figured her challenges came from taking a demanding course load, from not having developed proper time management and study skills, and from not clicking with teachers.

I didn’t realize how hard she was working nor how many adaptations she’d made in order to be successful.

Then came college when everything moved much more quickly, was much more challenging, and where her adaptations proved insufficient.

She called me often, in tears, saying, “Mom, this just isn’t working for me. No matter how hard I try or how much I study.” She would routinely stay up until one or two in the morning, doing all she knew to do in order to prepare for a test or master an assignment, only to fail. She became so sleep deprived, her vision blurred, and she had migraines more often than not. She also developed severe testing anxiety to the point she’d vomit every morning before class.

Her stress level became so high, she acquired her second and third bout of shingles her freshman and sophomore years, consecutively. Well-intentioned friends suggested perhaps she needed to change majors, and though I never voiced this to her, I wondered the same. Yet, she’d felt called into engineering since a missions trip to El Salvador in middle school and was determined to persevere, pushing herself deeper and deeper into exhaustion.

Luckily, an insightful professor noticed some concerns with her writing and suggested she get tested for dyslexia. She did in December of her sophomore year, and as I read the results a week later, I cried as so many of her childhood struggles and behaviors suddenly made sense.

How could I not have known? Why hadn’t God told me? I’d prayed, almost daily, that He would grant me wisdom and help me parent to her heart. He’d done that in so many areas; why not in this one? Had we known, we could’ve gotten her help and resources that would’ve helped her succeed and avoid so much pain.

But as I was praying, struggling with my guilt and frustration at God for what felt like His lack of direction, I sensed Him whispering to my spirit, “She needed to struggle.”

I thought about that statement for some time after and have come to realize how true that was. Had I known about her dyslexia and other challenges, likely in empathy, I would’ve limited her. I might have encouraged her to take easier classes. But more than that, she wouldn’t have developed the grit that has enabled her to press through and view difficulties as challenges to overcome rather than dead ends.

Let’s talk about this! What resonated with you most when you read today’s post? When has someone else’s pain sent you into “fix it” mode, and how might pointing them to Jesus and growth in Him help them more instead?

Share your thoughts with us in the comments below, because we can all learn from and encourage one another.

And speaking on the courage to surrender–whether ourselves or someone we love–make to keep an eye out for my upcoming Faith Over Fear podcast, releasing at the end of this month by Salem Web Communications. We’ll be talking about, among other things, finding the courage to surrender.

I’ll also be releasing, through the YouVersion app, and will launch a Faith Over Fear challenge on social media on February 6th. Find out more HERE. And make sure to watch out for Wholly Loved’s next Bible study, Unshakable, Unbreakable Joy, releasing in 2020, with relationship building resources and more!