I’m in a season of unlearning pseudo-spiritual maturity and resting afresh in Christ’s grace. If asked a few years ago, I would’ve said I had a close relationship with God and learned to trust in and receive His love. That’s not to say I haven’t experienced transformation in my three-plus decades of actively following Him. But I spent too much time operating from self-reliance rather than the grace He lavished upon me. As a result, shame often overshadowed the freedom Christ promised.
The other day, I happened upon decade-plus old prayer journals. Day after day, my entries read much the same. I wrote how I needed to be more patient and gracious with others, less irritable and prone to “offense”, and more apt to pray before reacting in frustration or overwhelm.
Don’t misunderstand. Those are lofty goals that, embodied, beautifully reflect our Savior’s heart. The problem stemmed from my largely self-reliant approach. I knew, intellectually, that I couldn’t will myself into better behavior, or correct my faults by memorizing and reciting verses.
Yes, my soul needs truth. Absorbing Scripture into the marrow of my bones, as my Faith Over Fear cohost Carol McCracken once phrased it, plays a vital part in my spiritual vitality. But its most significant role is helping me experience the One who preserved every word recorded in my Bible and to teach me, through that connection, how to truly love and live loved.
If you’ve spent much time in church, you’ve likely heard sermons on John 15, where Jesus encourages us to live as closely connected to Him as a ripening grape remains with the vine. The moment someone plucks the fruit, it begins to die; no amount of effort, regardless how sincere, can prevent that.
But what does remaining connected to Christ look like in our typical, often busy and stressful day? And when the chaos of our world pulls us from our figurative prayer closets, have we failed?
That brings me back to those old journals filled with regret, “shoulds” and “musts.” If only I resided more fully in God’s presence and yielded more completely to His Spirit within me, I wouldn’t become emotionally triggered or allow selfishness, pride or fear to drive my actions.
Not necessarily.
We can’t will ourselves to increased healing, love, or faith. As Dr. Markus Warner stated in his book Breakthrough, “… for most of us, willpower and decision making are pretty fickle allies. … While both truth and wise decisions are good ideas, there is something deeper than both of them: our bond, union, or attachment with God. The true hub of our faith is our union with Christ, which makes us one with God.”
For some, this may feel like a soul-crushing statement. How can we develop that level of attachment when past wounds challenge our trust and perceptions? More difficult, how can we break free from lies that cause us, subconsciously, to approach God from a “pass-fail” mentality where we feel close to Him when we’re doing the right things and distant when we’ve messed up?
In those moments, has He truly withdrawn from us, or are we interpreting our expectations as reality? How can we possibly see His heart accurately, and receive His grace, in that mentally skewed place?
By turning to Him, as best we can, as often as we can, trusting Him to lead, heal and transform. By relinquishing false notions of instant, or even quick, healing and transformation. And lastly, by resisting our often deeply ingrained beliefs that we earn His love and grace through right behavior and instead allowing Him to teach us what true, holy relationship looks like.
If shame, rather than a desire for deeper connection, tends to drive your spiritual disciplines and your inner narrative gets stuck on what you should and shouldn’t do, rather than reflecting on how deeply you’re loved, you might find the following resources helpful:
Breakthrough!: 5 Essential Strategies for Freedom, Healing, and Wholeness by Dr. Marcus Warner
The Emmanuel Promise: Discovering the Security of a Life Held by God by Summer Joy Gross.
