God

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I just finished walking our daughter to the corner bus stop–about twenty feet behind her. (It’d be way too mortifying if I walked with her!) At 6:45 am. To save  time, she weaves her way through our backyard and up our neighbor’s side steps. Which didn’t bother me about a month ago, when the sun was emerging in the sky. But now that it’s staying dark later and later, my Momma-bear’s starting to come out. There’s a wooded area in our yard, which is absolutely lovely during the day but rather ominous at night or in the wee morning hours. Then there’s all the phone calls I’ve received this year from her school alerting parents to stranger danger. My first response is always to protect–in an over-bearing, paranoid sort of way. But I know she’ll never bloom if I hover over her. As she grows older, I’m having to let go more and more. And to be honest, it terrifies me. Somehow the dangers she faced at two were so much more manageable. Stay out of the street, stay away from the stove, don’t put peas in your ears. Or your nose. And if she didn’t comply, all I had to do was scoop her up. Remove and distract, it was that easy.

I can’t do that any more. This year has been a big stretch. It’s her first year in public school. Ah, so many of you are cringing now, aren’t you? Thinking I’ve thrown her to the devil? Hardly. I’ve surrendered her to her Father’s hands.

Public school was her idea in the first place, and it was one she mentioned frequently. Again and again, she told Steve and I she felt God calling her into public school.

My husband said absolutely not! Every rational thought in our parental brains screamed no! We don’t live in a small, country farm town. We live in a city where cops camp out on street corners and stake out our local schools. (Seriously, there’s a cop on duty at her school.) We really didn’t know anyone going to this school. (We’ve only lived here for about a year and a half, and besides our handful of neighbors–most of whom go to private school–the majority of our associations are from church and her old school. Which is a problem. It’s hard to fulfill the great commission when you’re surrounded by Christians!)

But God ordained this detour, and He wouldn’t let up. Day after day, He worked on our hearts, assuring us of His care for our daughter.

I think I half listened. The other half of my brain kept screaming, “But what if…”

Could our G-rated little girl handle living in an R-rated environment, which in many ways is what junior high in the public school system is like. In order for her to survive, I’d need to have those “conversations” I’d continually put off. Did I really want her to learn the ways of the world at this age? How would such knowledge change her? Would her precious heart be corrupted?

I searched for a loop-hole, hoping our daughter’s desires were fleeting, or at least selfishly motivated so that I could combat them. (Although I knew that was unlikely. Our shy, resistant to change, daughter was telling us God was calling her to leave all of her friends in a very close-knit school to go to an 800 student public middle school. In my heart of hearts, I knew this desire didn’t come from her. But still I hoped. And prayed. A lot.)

The first day of school, I thought I was going to hurl. And cry, and lock her in a nice, safe little closet.

“Are you sure you want to do this? It’s not too late to change your mind.”

Tears rolled down her wide, frightened eyes as she slowly shook her head. “I don’t know why, but I feel like God wants me to do this.”

There’s not much you can say when your thirteen year old expresses a desire to follow her faith. So, reluctantly, I let her go.

(I know, you veteran parents find me pathetic. But I’m new at this whole mom thing. Cut me some slack!)

That day, I prayed, and prayed, and prayed. And paced, and paced, and paced. When she got home, I practically jumped on her, questions popping off my tongue so fast the poor girl could hardly catch a breath. When my rather neurotic inquisition was done, her face exploded ina smile and she shared her day with me.

God showed up. He walked into that school with her and surrounded her in His love. He placed a few kind Christians in her path to help her stand strong. And as time rolled on, God’s continued to surround her with strong friendships. She and one friend in particular have partnered together. A few weeks ago, they both shared Life Books with their friends, and they encourage one another to stay centered on Christ.

God’s also protected her from negative influences and given her the strength to resist the downward spiral of peer pressure.

But the greatest blessing? Through this experience, I’ve seen a part of her I never knew existed–the loving, evangelistic side. But I had to loosen the reigns before it could blossom.

Day after day, she honors that call she tearfully shared with us. It hasn’t been easy. To be honest, it’s required a bit more work on our part. Devotions are much more important, open discussions vital, one-on-on time more important than ever. But with each step all of us take towards her increased independence, God is there, guiding, strengthening, growing.

I’ve often wondered what I’d do if God called her into the mission field. Would I encourage her to follow her faith with reckless abandon or would I be another “rational” road block standing in her way?

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Because of my marriage column on Reflections, I hear a lot about struggling, sometimes even shattered, marriages. I’ve sort of skirted around addressing some of the tougher issues because quite frankly, I’ve not known what to say. And I’ve contacted some friends with more experience hoping maybe they could address the issue of marital betrayal, but after months of no takers and emails from hurting readers, I’ve decided to do my best to share ways God has helped me. I’ve never dealt with marital betrayal, but I understand the pain of shattered trust. We live in a fallen world, and humans are going to let us down every time. Guaranteed. But God never will, and we will never fall further than His hand.

So today I’m sending you over to Reflections.

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Okay writers, this one’s for you. We’re an insecure bunch, aren’t we? Most of us are so emotionally volatile, we go from laugh-out-loud gregarious to self-isolated hermit faster than a schizophrenic on crack. And only a writer can turn a compliment into a downer:

“Hey, I read your latest blog post. I totally loved it.”

Oh, no. That’s the last one. I know it. I’m bone dry here. What’ll happen when this guy figures out I really can’t write and that was just a fluke?

And an opened door into a dungeon entry:

“I’d love to have you join our team.”

Deadlines? Expectations? What if I let them down? Which blog post, article, or interview made them think I’d be good for this job or ministry position and what’s going to happen when they figure out I’m not who they think I am?

We read so much about platforms, branding, networking, and marketing, that it’s easy to get overwhelmed. Writing is no longer just about writing. In today’s technological age, it takes much more than flowery words to get yourself heard. You need strong marketing skills, a dash of big-picture thinking to stay one step ahead of the fray, a psychology degree to navigate all the PR requirements, media and industry connections, and enough stick-to-itness to stand up against the ever-flying obstacles hurled your way. It’s easy to get lost amidst the noise, but running in circles won’t do you any good. So what do you do when you can’t see above the ever-swirling storm clouds? You retreat, and rest. And remember this battle is not yours. And you don’t have to do it alone.

“Relax my child, this really isn’t about you. Nor is it up to you,” our Father says, as He lovingly takes our hand. “Be still and know that I am God. Keep your eyes on Me. Trust my plan, and the life jacket I provide. Yes, the waves are strong. Yes, the wind is loud. But My hand is stronger, and I will never let you go. My power is displayed in your weakness. And remember, this is not your story. It never was. It is my story, and I will pen it through you.” And then the Creator of the universe leans down and whispers in your ear the story that will be woven in a million hearts as He draws His beloved into His warm embrace.

2 Corinthians 3:5-6 “Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit, for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.”

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Wednesday night, after sharing my prayer requests with my small group at church, one of the ladies giggled and said, “Ah, so you’re giving God your agenda.” I had to laugh because this article about making plans lightly in order to be more pliable to God’s leading was already in the rough draft stage. I laughed even harder the entire drive home as I thought of countless other times I’ve done the same thing.

I like to give God a to-do list. And sometimes (okay, so most times) I’ll even tell Him how I think things should be done, so focused on my ant-sized view I forget that God’s perspective is galaxies beyond mine. And yet, when I look back over my life–the six moves my husband and I have made in our fifteen years together, my daughter’s journey from homeschool to Christian school and soon to be public school, the various churches we’ve been a part of and experiences we’ve had along the way–I realize that none of it has gone according to plan. My plan, anyway. And yet, in hindsight, I wouldn’t change a moment. Even the times when things appeared so bleak I thought my heart would break.

Okay, so maybe I would change part of it. Not the circumstances, but my reactions. And my long-term agenda, because every time I allowed myself to get caught up in plans of where I’m going, I lost sight of God. And in those brief moments when my false expectations and human ambitions crowded out His voice, the emptiness and restlessness that ensued was worse than any trial I have faced. And yet, conversely, when I allow myself to rest in God’s hand, the peace has been amazing. Enough to keep me turning my eyes upward regardless of what is before me.

The Bible says, “In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.” And all I have to say is THANK YOU, GOD! I think I would be amazed if I were to catch a glimmer of all the sand traps God has directed me away from! Although I suppose we have the choice whether or not to follow. We could go our own way, could we not? Shove our fists in the air, shake our heads, laughing to ourselves at how foolish God must be to think that job, that move, that ministry, is worthy of our time. He’s just the Creator of the universe, after all. Surely we, His human creations, know far better how to manage our own lives!

The other day as I was finalizing an interview of gospel singer Lynda Randle, something she said impacted me. (Don’t worry, you can read it on Monday. I’m putting it up on Reflections.) She talked about how she “fell” into singing. There wasn’t an earth shattering voice pouring down from heaven saying, “Lynda Randle, thou shalt sing.” True, God had tugged on her heart, drawing her closer to Him, and she responded to that call–the call to total surrender, willingly. But she had no idea singing would be part of it. She stepped out, in faith, willing to follow God wherever He directed, before she caught sight of the road.

Lynda’s obedience has led to great success. Pop on over to her website and take a quick glance at her upcoming tour schedule to see for yourself. But that doesn’t mean obedience will always lead to success. And least, not success as the world would coin it.  We may never have that five hundred thousand dollar house, or New York Times Best Seller, and if we filter our views through the eyes of the world, we may be fooled into thinking we have failed. But if we are firmly planted on the path God has designed for us, without venturing to the right or the left, we will experience success. And there is joy in that. When our eyes are on our Leader and not all the off-roads trying to distract us along the way.

One of my favorite verses is Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.”

My understanding, my plans, even my desires, are tainted and distorted. How can I possibly expect to see clearly? But if I trust in God, and allow Him to guide me, and at times, when the road gets extra rough, to carry me, He will never let me fall. He will fulfill the plans He has for me.

So what do I do when earthly expectations cloud my vision and allow dissatisfaction or disappointment to seep into my heart? I draw closer to God and let His Spirit fill me until it has pushed all else aside. As you probably know by now, music is a huge part of my prayer life. As I wrote this, two songs came on that really spoke to me. I’m going to add a link to them here, along with another one I find especially fitting…

Give It All Away

My Savior, My God (I’m not skilled to understand)

You Never Let Go

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As I’ve mentioned before, our church is reading over Francis Chan’s Crazy Love. It is a phenomenal book. If you’ve never read it, I highly recommend you do. It’s inspiring, challenging–life changing. The whole thrust of the book is falling deeper in love with God. On a human level, this can be hard. We are run by our emotions and our emotions are roller coasters. Just look at the current divorce rate. We’re madly in love with someone one minute and ready to kill them the next. But that doesn’t mean our emotions in themselves are bad. God created us to be emotional creatures and it’s a huge part of who we are. Personally, I believe emotions are a gift intended to bond human hearts with one another and with God. The only problem is our emotions are tainted by sin and selfishness. I wonder what our world would look like if we were able to have the emotions without the sin. Ah, but that is what heaven is all about. And I can’t wait. To be able to connect with others and my God without any barriers, no false expectations, no baggage.

Baggage is a big emotion-distorter for me. Looking back at all my temper tantrums over the years, I have found most of my reactions and hurt feelings have very little to do with the actual event. Most often, it is my interpretation of the event that causes me the greatest pain. (Wow, is everything about taking our thoughts captive and making them obedient to Christ?) This baggage that I lug with me wherever I go, a torn and ragged suitcase filled with past hurts and failures, taints the way I love; God, my husband, my family, my friends. It’s like watching the world through a sin-filled veil. Only half the time I’m not even aware my vision’s blurred. Until I catch a glimmer of what love is–not the tainted, human, selfish version of love that seeks only emotional pleasure rooted in rules of reciprocation, but real love. Agape love. Initiating, unconditional, transparent, accepting love. The kind of love given to us by the Father through the Son.

To be honest, I don’t really even understand that kind of love. Every once in a while, like when my husband and I are walking hand in hand down the street, or my daughter is nestled in my arms, I’ll catch a tiny glimmer of it. But most of the time my affections are tainted with self-love. And that’s the hardest item in my long-toted suitcase to give up. In fact, if left to my own resources, my love for self only grows. The harder I try to fight it down, the harder it fights back. So what can we do? Surround ourselves with a list of to-do’s: Spend time with daughter. Check. Write husband note. Check. Read your Bible. Check. In the hopes that over time our hearts will follow? I don’t think so. As Francis Chan pointed out in his book, when we try harder the focus is on ourselves, not on the object of our affection.

Just think about it. I say I’m going to love my husband so I create a plan. As I work out my plan, doing those little things throughout the day to shower him with affection, I become rather pleased with myself. Look at what a great wife I am. (See the self-love pop up?) In fact, I’m such a great wife, I deserve a little reciprocation. After all I’ve done, the least he can do is…(ah, and then comes the conditional love based on mutual back-scratching!) Nope, this kind of love doesn’t work.

So then what do we do? Give up entirely and settle for partial intimacy? Or perhaps we opt for total isolation. And yet, there has to be a solution–a way to use our God-given emotions as they were intended to be used, as wonderful gifts designed to bring us pleasure and unite our hearts with one another and with our Creator. And that’s where prayer comes in. One of my favorite verses is: “Not by might nor by power but by My Spirit says the Lord.”  (Zech 4:6) Admittedly I am using this verse out of context here, but I believe the principle remains. Anything that is good in me comes from God. And yet, my human nature propels me away from God. Therefore, I need God to overcome my human nature.

If you’ve read my marriage column, you’ll remember how God helped align my heart to my husband’s. He’s also used prayer to draw me closer to Him. I’ve come to realize, on my own, I’m a sold out lover of self through and through. I’ll grab, hide, strive and pout, resulting in isolation. But when I turn to God, and ask Him to change my heart, to draw my heart, not only to Him but to the others in my life, filling me with love and longing, He does. And eventually, my emotions align. Just as He promised in James 4:8 “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.”

You want more love in your life? For God and your family? Don’t try harder, just love more. Having trouble loving the way God desires? Ask Him to help you.

Love Letter From God

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I think it’s time I go back and read some of my own blog posts. The one about riding on the naturally flowing current would be a great start. And reminding myself of my commitment to Christ and Christ alone would help, as well. It’s funny how quickly I lose my focus and allow myself to get swept away on the “performance” tide.

Last week, in a moment of mindless inspiration, I posted a weekly schedule. Which was nothing more than a personally designed, to-do-list-prison, by the way. One thing I learned some time ago, on my own, my writing sucks. Big, rotten lemons. I know God is trying, very patiently, might I add, to show me that He alone is the source for anything good I do. Whenever I grab on to the reigns and force things, I end up with egg on my face. Conversely, all of my best writing has been the result of intimate fellowship with my Creator. Which means, instead of forcing myself to perform and meet self-imposed obligations, I need to pull back and spend more time tapping into my greatest resource.

This morning, in an effort to maintain my self-imposed schedule, I forced out some cyber-garbage. Don’t worry, you won’t have to suffer through the awkward drivel. I’ve already sent it to the trash. And all this less than a week since I made the very public commitment to follow Christ, and His leading, no matter how winding the road. But how can I follow His leading when I’m forging my own way?

Wow, this surrender thing is hard. And I’m certain I’ll have many more “jumping back into the driver’s seat” episodes, but luckily God’s grace is only a delete button (or as some like to call it–repentance) away.

As a writer, surrender is hardest when the words won’t come. Most of the time, stories and articles fly off my keyboard so fast, smoke seeps from the monitor. And when they don’t come so easily, it  can be rather tempting to focus on the final product. We can all force out a few hundred words if we try hard enough. But does our forced, human efforts glorify God? What if, when those moments hit, instead of striving harder, we worked less–and drew closer to God? I think the results would surprise us. He is, after all, way more creative than you or I. He formed a multi-galaxy universe out of nothing, remember? And one quick glance at any parable recorded in Scripture demonstrates God’s mastery of symbolism. Imagine what our libraries would be like if we would but take the time to experience, on a heart-to-heart level, the mind of Christ.

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I know I said Wednesday’s would be parenting days, but unfortunately, I process things through my keyboard, which means you all are going to have to process them with me. Besides, this schedule doesn’t technically start until next week, so it’s all good. <grin> Our church is going over Francis Chan’s book, Crazy Love, and every week I leave thinking, “I’m gonna do better.” But somehow between Wednesdays I slip back into my nine to five. Oh, I’ll read a few verses in the morning and maybe offer a few prayers while I cook dinner. And if I’m feeling really “religious” I may even offer a word of encouragement to someone. So long as it doesn’t cut into my reading time. And yet, there was a time, back when I first gave my life to Christ, when His hands first plucked me out of the pit I was in and everything was so rosy and bright, nothing else mattered but God.

But then I got complacent. And my faith became predictable. I learned what an appropriate tithe was, how to schedule a quiet time and how to participate in the occasional prayer meeting… basically, how to go about my life in a respectable Christian manner. And when things get too uncomfortable, when this thing called Christianity somehow seeps out of Sunday, I run right back to my schedule. “Yes, Jesus, I’ll pray, as soon as I fold the laundry. Or can I pray while I fold? Does it count as worship if the music plays while I cook dinner? How can I multi-task You into my life…without disrupting my life?”

I wonder how different my faith would be if I had stood there watching as Jesus died. Would I still relegate Him to a nice, tidy morning quiet time? He gave His all…and I can’t even give him thirty minutes of uninterrupted time? And why? So my floors can be cleaner, or I can catch up on the latest sitcom or loose myself in a novel? Tonight I’m asking a different question: What would…no, strike that…what will my life look like when I release the reigns completely? When every day, instead of running to my to-do list I run to God instead?

I’m not sure, but I’ll let you know. It won’t be easy. In fact, just thinking about it is kind of scary, especially with the huge workload I have coming up this fall. But I guess that’s why it comes down to trust. Do I really believe that God has a plan…for me? And that He’s working out His plan?

Anyone want to join me? Let’s hold each other accountable, and share stories as God leads us on the adventures of our lives. I’m not sure where we’re headed, but I can guarantee one thing–we won’t regret it!

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It’s easy to write about love, mercy, grace and protection, dancing on the edge of truth, sprinkling just enough to spark ones curiosity yet failing to speak the words of life. So many of us have forged our own views of reality, based on nothing more than what appeals to us. We’ll grab a little Buddha, sprinkle in some New Age philosophy, and top it off with Christian ethics. And so long as we are sincere, and no one gets hurt, we’re good to go. Until one day we stand in the great throne room of God and He asks us the only question that matters: What did you do with My Son.

Borrowing from Francis Chan, “When we face the holy God, “nice” isn’t what we will be concerned with, and it definitely isn’t what He will be thinking about. Any compliments you received on earth will be gone; all that will be left you is the truth.

The truth, not our version of reality, but reality as it is. Funny, we spend more time studying the stock market or the next political wave than we do searching out truth. It’s as if we expect spiritual answers to be handed to us. In our spiritual apathy, we readily adopt the popular view of the day, discarding it when a new, more appealing view comes along. Basically, we create a virtual world in our head consuming ourselves with things that will last but a moment without a second thought for those things of eternal significance.

A few Sunday’s ago our pastor told a story about a man who had crossed over from Mormonism to Christianity. Why? Not because he had thoroughly investigated Mormonism and found it to be false but because he had thoroughly investigated (like a single-minded detective who wouldn’t rest until he’d uncovered the truth) Christianity’s truth claims and found them to be true. Truth is the ultimate reality, and if we search for truth openly and honestly, not allowing our deceptive desires to sway our interpretations, we will find it. And if we seek God, honestly seek Him, we will find Him.

If you’re interesting in investigating, for yourself, this thing called Christianity, some great books to start with are:

Evidence New that Demands a Verdict by Josh McDowell

Testing Christianity’s Truth Claims

The Case For Christ by former atheist Lee Strobel

Mere Christianity by CS Lewis

And to gain a better, and coherent, understanding of various other truth claims, The Universe Next Door is an excellent book and has been used in many university classrooms.