I’ve been hurt by people who’ve formed assumptions regarding my pain. I’ve also wounded others by reacting the same way. Sometimes, this comes from a desire to “fix” a loved one’s problem. Other times, I’ve interpreted their words and behavior through my insecurities and the unhealed places in my soul. Regardless the reason, these tendencies inevitably create distance, rather than connection, and often, increased hurt for everyone involved.
I reflected upon some of my most glaring regrets recently while reading about all Kristina Kuzmic and her family endured when her teenage son developed significant depression. I was awed and convicted by the way she remained gently present, sought help to learn how best to love him, and intentionally maintained an attitude of curiosity rather than assumption.
While she deeply grieved her son’s pain, she didn’t assign motive to his behavior (such as, he’s just lazy or rebellious). She also didn’t make it about herself.
Although I’m much better than I used to be, I struggle in both these areas. I tend to view “biting” behavior (like that which a frightened puppy exhibits) or withdrawal as rejection. This, in turn, results in my defensiveness and self-protection rather than gentleness and love.
I’m reminded of Jesus’ words in Matthew 7:3-5, when He said, 3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
This passage tells me that, in all situations and at all times, my sight is distorted. Sin, past wounding, and spiritual deception taint my perspective, which, inevitably, causes me to inflict pain. (Imagine an ophthalmologist attempting cataract surgery with blurred vision!) When, however, I invite God to reveal, then heal and remove, the plank lodged in my figurative eye (symbolic of my soul), I see more clearly how to help my brother, or husband, or child, or friend, with their speck.
When I do that, I find, more often than not, that God’s responsible for removing my loved one’s speck, and He knows precisely the best way to do so. My role is to simply remain present, and to listen with curiosity, not assumption.
If you someone you love is suffering, I encourage you to catch that episode for important insights regarding how best to help, not harm. And may we all, daily, invite God to remove our planks so that we don’t hurt others in our blinded state. May He give us the clear vision that enables us to love with equal parts grace and truth, with hearts purified, filled, and led by our Lord.
If this post resonated with you, I encourage you to listen to the latest Faith Over Fear podcast episode in which I interview comedian Kristina Kuzmic about one of the most painful seasons of her life. Find it below.
