Healing from church hurts

Picture of the inside of a church

Unfortunately, a good number of people raised in church have left the church, and most often, not because of theological disagreements but rather because they’ve been deeply hurt. They’ve been told they’re too much or not enough, and have been shut down when they honestly express their emotions and struggles. Others have experienced the toxicity that almost always comes when the unhealthy and emotionally and spiritually immature are placed in leadership positions.

Quote from post on tan background

A few weeks ago, the lead minister at my church and another pastor discussed the pain many have experienced in the name of religion and then apologized for wounds they, intentionally or not, inflicted on others. And while I thought briefly of various hurts I’ve experienced throughout my faith journey, that wasn’t the primary message my heart received. Instead, God brought people to mind that had scars because of me. Those driven from rather than to Jesus, because of my behavior. Caused by fear, defensiveness, and pride. 

I knew God wanted me to follow my pastor’s lead, and so I did. I began reaching out to those I knew I’d hurt. Women who, through my actions, words, or lack of, I’d made feel unvalued and unseen. And it didn’t matter whether or not I’d had provocation. If their sin or dysfunction had triggered the sin and dysfunction within me. Granted, there’s a time and place for honest discussion, when wounds remain. 

But mine had healed. And besides, in these situations, I’d been the leader, the one who was supposed to model what it looked like to live and love like Jesus. To get my needs met by Him, to find my identity in Him. Ultimately, to receive strength and encouragement from Christ and a close circle of mature and Holy Spirit empowered peers.

I neglected both, people were hurt, and God wanted me to take responsibility for the pain I’d caused. To make it clear, though I may have represented Him in my role, my behavior had not.

He wanted me to live out His commands in Matthew 5:23-24, where Jesus said, “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against  you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift” (NIV).

Words from Matthew 5:23-24 on tan background.

And so I did, and I can only hope my honest apologies helped heal those wounds my words and actions created, wounds that may even have driven them, for a time from the church. At the very least, I hope they were able to see Christ’s love and grace more clearly.

We all have a responsibility to create safe, healthy places where people can experience God. And we all have areas of dysfunction that threaten those same safe places we’re prayerfully trying to create. This means, you and I will hurt people along the way, and we’ll also get hurt. When others wound us, may we seek comfort and healing from Christ, refusing to retaliate and grow bitter. And when we’re the ones to cause pain, may we own up to every behavior that taints the image of Christ within us. 

Connect with Jennifer Slattery on Facebook and Instagram.

If you’ve experienced church hurt, you might find the latest Faith Over Fear episode helpful.

Discovering the Best of You for Healthier Relationships with Dr. Alison Cook Faith Over Fear

Do you have difficulty telling others no? Do you find yourself frequently pushing your needs and desires aside to meet the needs of everyone else? Do you ever struggle to know how to love others as Jesus desires while also setting healthy boundaries? In this episode, Dr. Alison Cook shares biblical wisdom on how we can discover the best of ourselves and how doing so leads to healthier and more fulfilling relationships. (Scroll down for discussion/reflective questions.) Resources mentioned: The Best of You: Break Free from Painful Patterns, Mend Your Past, and Discover Your True Self in God Boundaries for the Soul The Best of You Podcast episode: "Should I turn the Other Cheek? Why It's the Opposite of Being a Doormat" Find Dr. Allison Cook: On her website On Facebook On Instagram On Amazon Find Jennifer Slattery: On her website Instagram Facebook Amazon What resonated with you most in this episode? How might you answer Dr. Cook's question: What do you want? How reciprocal do your relationships tend to be? Where might you land on the selfless, self, selfish scale Dr. Cook mentioned? How comfortable are you with setting healthy boundaries? When do you find it most challenging to set healthy boundaries? How can strong, clear boundaries lead to relational health? What is one action step God might want you to take, having listened to this episode? Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
  1. Discovering the Best of You for Healthier Relationships with Dr. Alison Cook
  2. A Faith That Won't Fail with Michele Cushatt
  3. God Won't Give up on You with Max Lucado
  4. Why We Have No Reason to Fear Evil
  5. Fear of Other People's Judgement

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