One morning, my teen groused around the house.
I tried to cheer her with pancakes and jokes.
She absently pushed a pancake around on her plate.
My efforts didn’t improve her attitude. Feeling rejected, I was tempted to give her the silent treatment. How easy to say, “When will you clean your bathroom?”
“If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all,” Romans 12:18. If we’re doing our best to live peaceably, why do family gatherings become a place where we emotionally abuse one another and have pie?
1. Something happens or is said, done, not said, or not done that results in me feeling rejected. Efforts to cheer my daughter were rebuffed.
2. Resentful about feeling rejected, I make up a story about my teen’s behavior.
3. Feeling resentment, I resist relationship by giving the silent treatment.
4. Resistance turns into revenge. My verbal attack about her bathroom would hurt her in the same way I feel she has hurt me.
5. Repeat.. She didn’t engage with me, I disengaged from her, she distances herself from my barbs, and the pattern continues.
These 5 Rs destroy relationships: rejection, resentment, resistance, revenge, repeat.
This cycle becomes automatic and expected. The aunt perpetually offended with someone. The relative who plays favorites. The sibling who pouts when he doesn’t get his way.
Reverse the 5 Rs.
1. Resentment You are stuck in resentment when you are stuck in drama.
“He needs to …”
“I’m not perfect but …”
“She should …”
Solution: Shift to gratitude.
“I’m grateful he …”
“What fun to …”
“I’m thankful she …”
2. Resistance is shutting down emotionally and relationally.
Solution: Engage. Make eye contact, have conversations. Get clear by saying, “The story I’m making up in my head about (situation) is _______________.”
3. Revenge is wanting another to feel hurt.
Words like, “Now he will know how it feels.”
“Serves her right.”
“He had it coming,” signal revenge.
Solution: Give grace generously for healthy relationships.
4. Repeat. Being hurt, you hurt someone, and they hurt you, and you are offended, and they are offended, and both people dive into the 5 Rs.
Solution: Release others from your expectations of how they should act or behave.
“Fools show their annoyance at once, but the prudent overlook an insult.” ~ King Solomon (Prov. 12:16).
The moment you feel rejected, choose the 5 Rs, or choose grace, joy, and health.
Rejection is based on understanding what is fact and what is fiction. The fact is:
1. my teen refused to be cheered up
2. my adult child has a life that doesn’t center around me
3. I was not recognized at an important event
We instantly make up a story about what those facts mean.
1. My teenager thinks I stink as a parent
2. My adult child keeps me out of their life
3. I am not important
We act and react based on the made-up story as if the fictional story were truth.
Instead, stick to the facts.
1. To my teen, I said, “The story I’m making up in my head is I stink as a parent and you’d rather be anywhere than here with me.”
My teen responded, “I just learned the boy I babysit has leukemia.” (Note to self: Most folks are not even thinking about me.)
2. Adult children are not obligated to keep their parents updated on their schedules. I can be thankful they have productive lives.
3. Though it doesn’t look as I expected, I am important and part of the event. Will this situation matter in five years? Maybe. Now, I choose to enjoy the celebration.
Most things people say or do, don’t say, don’t do, and accidentally do or don’t do rarely have anything to do with you. (Yes, that’s a lot of do-do.) We’re doing our best to live as well as we can.
Occasionally, people reject you. The vital aspect is how you respond. Without the 5 Rs, family gatherings are no emotional drama and all of the pie.
For more tips on building family relationships, see The Ten Best Decisions A Single Mom Can Make by Pam Farrel and PeggySue Wells.
Get to Know PeggySue Wells:
PeggySue Wells is an award-winning USA Today and Wall Street Journal bestselling author, writing coach, and independent publishing strategist who inspires readers and writers alike with nearly 50 captivating books and practical guides.
Check Out Her and Pam Ferrel’s book, The 10 Best Decisions a Single Mom Can Make: A Biblical Guide for Navigating Family Life on Your Own:
No matter how you became a single mom, you share the same challenges and fears all single moms have. You may feel stretched to the limit. You may suspect your children need more than you’re able to give. How are you going to do this on your own?
With humor, Scripture, and sage advice, Pam Farrel (child of a single mother) and PeggySue Wells (single parent of 7 children) show you how to
– be decisive
– create a nurturing home
– be proactive
– date wisely
– pray for your child
– embrace your happily-ever-after
– and more
You are capable of parenting your children with courage, confidence, and clarity. This loving, practical guide shows you how.
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